The Legacy of Literature

I've been absent for the past two months for which I apologize, but more about that later. For the moment, I want to focus on a thought that has been circling my head for the past week or so.

In October of 1999 I was celebrating my fourteenth birthday along with my twin sister. I honestly don't remember much about the party or the celebrations in general. But I do remember, distinctly, a gift my sister and I were given. A mutual friend of ours gave us two books, the first and second in a series that I was unfamiliar with, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

In the twelve years since I began reading the books there have been a series of moments that have shaped my memories and my actions. I remember vividly, going to book releases at midnight and staying up until five or six in the morning, just to read the whole book before I fell asleep. I remember midnight showings of the movies, with friends carrying homemade wands and sneaking in homemade butterbeer. I remember a Harry Potter themed party, where everyone wore a costume (I was the Sorting Hat, complete with song) and participated in games that echoed the challenges of the TriWizard Tournament.I remember hours spent in discussion on the differences between the books and the movies, which characters were more badass, and which houses we belonged in. In short, I have thousands of memories centered around the world and adventures of Harry Potter.

Like many of us have in the past week, I've dealt with the revelation that the series I have come to love and adore is finally coming to an end. But the end has brought with it some serious reflection on the role of literature in my life.

I've always surrounded myself by books, in fact, if you know me, you know that my personal library fills numerous bookshelves around my room, and even more boxes stored around my house. When I last counted I owned over 700 books, and that number continues to rise. I surround myself in literature, in the fictional words that I have longed to belong to since I was a kid.

In my mind, I have wandered the halls of Hogwarts, I have explored the country of Narnia, I've wandered the Hundred Acre Wood and I've ridden on the backs of dragons over the land of Pern. Beyond that, I've sailed the high seas in search of buried treasure, I've seen the improbability drive at work, I've crossed blades with Inigo Montoya, and I've hunted Dracula. These are the worlds that I can quote and picture with no effort. When I allow my mind to sit in silence, it is the words these books have etched into my mind that surface. I can remember the details of the characters, of their lives and of their worlds more clearly then I can remember what I wore yesterday. In many ways, their worlds have become mine.

Literature has shaped my life, it is because of these books and of these worlds that I went on to get a Bachelor's Degree in English Literature. It is because of these books and of these worlds that I got my license to teach Middle School Language Arts. It is because of these books and of these worlds that I have been collecting books to furnish my classroom with since before I even started my teaching program. It is because of these books and of these worlds that I am already collecting books and stories to read to my children and my nieces and nephews.

I understand the importance of reading in the lives of children. I understand how reading not only encourages mental growth, but provides a retreat, a world away from that which we inhabit, a world where we can be someone different. I took refuse in these worlds as a child and I still do. I hope that I can encourage my students and younger generations of my family to read, to take solace in the books that I love and in the worlds that will strengthen their minds and their hearts.

I suppose it's only appropriate that I finish this post with a list of the books that changed my life, maybe some of them will affect you the way they have me.

Harry Potter (Books 1-7) J.K. Rowling
The Chronicles of Narnia C.S. Lewis
Winnie the Pooh A.A. Milne
The Dragonriders of Pern Series Anne McCaffrey
Treasure Island Robert Louis Stevenson
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Douglas Adams
The Princess Bride William Goldman
The Historian Elizabeth Kostova
(and those are just the ones I mentioned above)

Fragment Warren Fahy
The Once and Future King T.H. White
The Dark Lord of Derkholm Dianna Wynne Jones
The Boxcar Children Series Ann M. Martin
Animal Farm George Orwell
Of Mice and Men John Steinbeck 
Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe Fannie Flagg
A Midsummer Night's Dream William Shakespeare

And that's just a small list of the books that have changed my life in some way shape or form. What pieces of literature of shaped your life?

Girlfriend Wanted: Apply Within

 So, I've decided to put out an application for a potential girlfriend. I was going to fill this space in with the general details of me, so you know, you'd know who you were applying to be in a relationship with. But... my blog is pretty much a lot about me, so if you need to know who I am, that's what the rest of the blog is for.

Girlfriend Application:

General Information & Contact Information:

Name: __________________________________________________________________

Age:_______ Birthdate:__________ Location:___________________________________

Occupation:_________________________ Sexual Orientation:_____________________

Level of Education:_________________________ Email:_________________________

Tumblr:_______________ Twitter:_________________ Blog:_____________________

Interests:

Favorite Books:___________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Favorite Poems:___________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Favorite Authors:__________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

Favorite Movies:__________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Favorite TV Shows:________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Favorite Music:____________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Hobbies:_________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Other Interests:____________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Please rate your interest levels on the following activities/things on a scale of 1-5. (1 being you couldn't care less, 5 being it's the most awesome thing since sliced bread)

Camping:_____________

Writing:______________

Reading:______________

Animals:______________

History:_______________

Literature:_____________

Dogs:_________________

Cats:_________________

Comics:_______________

Video Games:__________

Softball:_______________

Swimming:_____________

Star Wars:_____________

Star Trek:_____________

Elephants:_____________

Dragons:______________


Relationships:

Do you have any children/pets?________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

How do you feel about family?_________________________________________________


__________________________________________________________________________

What are your religious beliefs?_________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

What are your political views?__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

Why did your last relationship end?______________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

What do you bring to a relationship?_____________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

What are your strengths?______________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

What are your weaknesses?___________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

Describe yourself in 5 words:__________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Anything else I should know?_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________


References:

Please supply three references.


Name:_____________________________________ Relationship:____________________


Email Address:____________________________ Phone Number: ___________________


How long have you known this individual?_______________________________________


Name:_____________________________________ Relationship:____________________


Email Address:____________________________ Phone Number: ___________________


How long have you known this individual?_______________________________________



Name:______________________________________ Relationship:____________________


Email Address:_____________________________ Phone Number: ___________________


How long have you known this individual?________________________________________


Thank you for your interest in the position of my girlfriend. If there are any additional documents, resumes and/or letters of reference you'd like to include please attach them separately. If you have any questions please let me know. Again, thank you for your interest in the position.

Sincerely,

J.R.

Trust Issues

This isn't the blog I intended to write. In fact, I'm writing it from my phone so it's likely to be chock full of grammar issues. But I was sitting in the den thinking about some things and I realized that maybe for my own mental health, this was a blog I needed to write. 


I don't trust people. I mean yes, someone will tell me something about their life and I'll believe them. But I don't trust people with my heart or my emotions. The majority of the time I don't even trust people to be my friends. And that, I think, is one of my greatest problems. 

I realize that yes, many people have trust issues, many people have been let down in the past, but personally that's a hard thing for me to get over. In fact I'm not sure I ever really get over it. 

I don't make promises. I don't make promises be because I know how much it can hurt to have them broken. My past is riddled with ex-girlfriends and former friends who made promises only to turn around and break them without a second thought. Because of that... I don't make promises. Because of that... If you make me a promise, I won't believe it. After 15 years those promises have become just simple words. And I won't trust you to keep that promise. 

But it's still more than that. Only now, this far into my life am I starting to see that some friendships might actually last more than 2 years. But the thing is... I don't expect them to. I expect people to be in my life for a few months before they decide to cut in run. I prepare myself for what I see as an inevitability. So I do what I can to stay distant. I try to avoid offering up too much of myself and I try to avoid opening up too much of my heart. I don't trust you not to break me. 

Because of this... Because I've been broken, because people really don't stick around in my life, I'm likely to do what I can to keep my heart and emotions separate. I do what I can to keep myself from becoming accustomed to your presence. I do what I can to protect myself. If I come to depend on you, to lean on you, if I trust you with my secrets and even my fears, if I start to believe that you might actually be there for me -every day, or even 5 years from now- and you're not? That will break me. 

So I do things to protect myself.  I try and take breaks from twitter, I try to keep myself from getting too used to talking to the same people everyday. I get up in the mornings and I'll refuse to text anyone because I don't want to get into a habit of having those people there for me to talk to. I do what I can to keep my heart distant. Just because I'm used to the pain doesn't mean I'll encourage it. 

I've talked before about how I sabotage my relationships. I'm just as guilty of sabotaging friendships. I expect to be lied to.  I expect to be disappointed. I expect to be let down by the people that claim my friends. Because of that... I push people away and I'll say things I shouldn't. After all, its not like anyone will stick around long enough to notice. 

So really... What it all comes down to is that I expect people to let me down. I expect people to not be there for me when  I really need them to be. And I expect people to walk out of my life. And the thing is, I've heard it all before. 

So yes, you can tell me you plan on sticking around for years. But I wont believe you. And you can tell me that i should text when I need to talk, or that I should call because you won't to talk to me. But I'll do my best to avoid doing that. Because I can't allow myself to get used to something that will just end up being ripped away from me. 

So at times I'm going to do things you might not like. I'm going to assume I'm bothering you. I'm going to assume that you'd be happier if I left you alone. In fact,  the majority of the time I'm probably just going to assume that you'd be a hell of a lot happier without me around to complicate your life. And yes, I'm well aware about what happens when you assume. 

So when an opportunity arises for you to cut and run from my life... I'm going to be surprised if you don't take it. And yes, I'm going to think that I'm a complication in your life that you don't need. And no more what you say, I'm probably not going to believe otherwise. 

Here's the other thing. If you tell me you're going to stick around. If you tell me you're not like everyone else. I'm not likely to believe you. Because those arguments... They're old and I've heard them all before. And the truth of the matter is... No one has done it yet. 

So let's face it... I have trust issues. 

-J

Well... that was interesting...

Many if not most of you are aware that I was presenting at my Colloquium tonight for my Master's Degree. This is essentially the final step between me and my degree and my teaching license. I was originally scheduled to present several weeks ago, but I fell ill, and then I fell down my stairs. So my original presentation didn't happen.

Fast forward a couple weeks... to well now.

Tonight I was scheduled to present at 8:30. Presentations began at 5 and I was required to be there for every presentation.

But let's rewind a little bit... to yesterday.

So I worked all weekend, but on Sunday morning I had to get up for work at 7 am. So when I got home from work I had some work I needed to finish on my portfolio. Well, as most of us know, I procrastinate.... a lot. So anyway, I was up all night... procrastinating, eventually I got my to do list for last night done around 5 am, and then went to sleep for a couple hours.

Now we're on today.

Got up at 8 and took a shower before going downstairs to finish up the last couple things I needed to do for my portfolio. It was about that point that I realized I was missing one of the 7 artifacts I needed for my portfolio as well as 4 slides for my powerpoint.

So let me just point out that I was having a dandy of a day. 

I finish up all my work, get dressed and still have time to run through my presentation one time before I had to head out the door. However, I hadn't eaten all day, I hadn't had any caffeine and I was operating on only three hours of sleep.

So I get over to school, I pick up some paperwork I need, drop off a few other things and then I'm downstairs waiting for things to get started. So okay, we make it through the first 4 presentations, we're doing well on time. Then we get to the first of the guys, who... strikes me as incompetent and it was at that point that my Program Director and one of the instructors starts asking questions that I'm thinking "Oh Dear God, I'm screwed."

Also, about this point the weather has picked up, and we're hearing a few things through text, and what not about tornadoes doing some damage in the area. But I let it go. So we get through the next presentation. And then we're on the last guy before it's my turn.

The weather has picked up and midway through his presentation the power goes out. At that point, the building is running on emergency power and there is no one to continue using our powerpoints. The guy who was presenting was far enough along in his presentation that he could finish his.

I, however, was screwed. I was given the option of presenting without my PowerPoint or coming back another night. So... screw that, I chose to present. Luckily, one of the other presenters had her laptop, so at the very least the head of my program could see my PowerPoint while I talked. Luckily I had made up some note cards before I left the house. But we're getting through the presentation, and I'm having to change my presentation style to accommodate the fact that I have no visuals for everyone else to see. So...let's just say I made it through.

Afterwards, I'm asked some questions, at which point I realize that my research is completely skewed. I forgot to take into account several changes I made which increased the amount of variables in my research. I manage to make my way through the questions and a couple conversations after my presentation with no problems. But it's after that that we come to realize that there were tornado alarms going off the whole time I was presenting. (Reminds me of my undergrad graduation)

Then I almost got in a car accident on the way home. To sum up.... it was an interesting night.

Who I am

So here's the thing about who I am... in order to understand who I am now you have to understand who I was 10 years ago, even who I was 7 years ago, right on up to who I was 4 years ago.

10 years ago I was 15, I was young and stupid. And frankly I was willing to do what I thought was necessary to get people to like me. I went to school in a suburban community where everyone was Christian, Straight and Conservative. At the time I was only one of the three. I dated boys, hide my attraction for girls and tried not to voice how differently I saw the world from everyone else. I did everything I could to be what people expected of me, and I never did anything to make me the person I wanted to be.

I was young and stupid, let's just emphasis this. And I'm not saying everyone who is young is stupid, or that everyone who is stupid is young, but rather that I was both. I got involved with relationships I should have, I got in situations I shouldn't have. And I adjusted, so when people told me things were my fault, I accepted the blame. When people told me I should be sorry, I was. When people told me I was a screw up, I was worthless, I wasn't worth the air I breathe, I believed them. And ... frankly, I still believe them, but you have something beaten into your head often enough and by enough people over the years, then you come to believe the things they say they are true.

So now, I apologize, I accept blame, and I believe what they said. I have problems taking some jokes because they hit close to home. I have problems being told that I'm screwing things up, because of how true it is. I accept the blame for things that are in no way my fault, because I've been taught that it is my fault, no matter what. I believe I'm not worth caring about, I believe I'm not worth worrying about, I believe I'm not worth loving.

In my attempts to be who I was expected to be, I had to hide who I was, and I hide it with cuts and bruises. And honestly, I didn't even try to hide it. There are still faint scars, but I've never tried to hide them, because no one has ever noticed. No one ever looked. Admittedly I was smart about it, I didn't use a blade at the time, but fingernails can be sharp, and there were weeks where my arms were covered in crescent shaped cuts, but no one noticed. And when no one notices, when no one says it's a bad idea, then maybe it's not a bad thing. And so I didn't stop.

Seven years ago, I was 18 and I thought, for the first time in my life life that I knew what love was. I was wrong, I know that now. But at the time I thought it was love, I thought I'd found forever. I was young. She was my first girlfriend, she was my first at a lot of things. And for the first time in my life I knew what it meant to put myself in front of a blade for someone. I did exactly that.

This girl... who I absolutely adored, she showed me how much she was interested in me by carving my initials into her ankle and surrounded that with a heart. She did this before we even started dating, so maybe I should have run, but instead I had this overwhelming need to protect her, to care for her, to keep her safe. So as months progressed, I became her canvas. When she wanted to hurt herself, I asked her to hurt me instead. When she needed to get her aggression out, I was her punching bag. When she needed to feel, I was there to give her what I could. I did the best I could to be what she needed. And in the process I lost the parts of myself I had started to find.

Most vividly I remember one night, lying topless on her bathroom floor, on my stomach. I remember the weight of her as she straddled my hips and I remember the feel of the razor blade on my back. I remember the pain as she carved her initials into my skin. I remember thinking that I was protecting her.

About this time I had quit cutting myself, because I needed to be strong, and she needed to mar my skin more than I did. Instead I settled for punishing myself. I had this mental list of things I would do as punishment for anything I thought I had done wrong. After all, things were my fault and how would I learn from it otherwise. So if I said the wrong thing, if I broke a promise, if I did something that for anyone seemed wrong to me, then I made sure I learned not to do it again.

If I needed to, I had a list of things I could resort to. Some were as simple as leaving the window open in the middle of winter, hiding my own blankets and making myself freeze during the night. If I repeatedly annoyed myself I could and would bang my knee repeatedly against the edge of my desk until bruises formed and I could barely walk. Other options included not allowing myself to eat, turning the water on the shower all the way up and burning my bag, or one of a hundred other things. At the time I thought it was a better alternative, I wasn't generally causing myself to bleed, so it had to have been better than cutting.

Four years ago, I was 21, and that May I lost a friend who was very close to my heart. Frankly it's a pain I still feel, but I didn't know how to cope. So I did the stupid things, I maxed out my credit cards and spent all my savings on the things that would make me feel better in the short time (hello awesome collection of action figures) and I did the things that made me feel better at the time. I remembered her as best I could. So when I felt sad, I carved a "K" into my arm, I remembered her when I looked at my skin and I felt better. I clung to her memories and I clung to the person she thought I was. And I clung to that scar on my arm. When it faded 6 months later I wanted to redo it. And now, we're approaching the 4 year anniversary, and I'm contemplating redoing it.

But all these things.... they're part of who I am, but they're mostly who I was. I recognize that I've not always been emotionally or mentally stable. Hell, I'll flat out admit that I'm crazy. But these things... they make me who I am today. I still apologize, I still blame myself for thigns that aren't my fault and I still shirk away from some jokes and  I still punish myself on occasion for things I've done wrong that really bother me. I still carry scars from myself and from others, both emotional and physical. I can't take compliments because I've been taught that there is nothing good about me, I can't stop apologizing because I've been taught it's all my fault. I put myself time and time again between my friends and their pain because it's my job and it's my duty to be the canvass, the punching bag, and the outlet. I can't be serious and I can't thing long term because in my head, all we have is the short term, and so help me I'm gonna be a goof ball, I'm gonna be a nerd, I'm gonna be silly and sometimes immature, because why ruin the short term for a long term that may never exist.

I might have cigarettes and razor blades in my pocket, but I'm not a threat to myself. I carry sharp pointy objects and sources of flame and cancer causing death sticks with me. The flame and death sticks are for the bad days, when I need to relax a little and escape. But they aren't a constant source of relief. And the sharp pointy objects... they remind me of who I was, and that I am stronger. Yes, some days my wrists still itch, but I'm better than that. I'm not going to open up a vein and let it all come out. I am stronger, but I'm still part of that person. So yes, I have razor blades around my room, but I'm not going to end my life. I won't do that to my friends, and I won't do that to my family, and I certainly won't do that to the friends that have become my family.

So really... this is why I am the person I am. These are my faults and flaws. That's who I was. I'm not even going to try and end this blog on any form of happy note, because I can't even find one. Except this... I'm not well. I'm not perfectly happy and I'm not perfectly healthy. But I'm stubborn and I have no health insurance and seeing a shrink isn't for me. But I rarely hurt myself anymore, and then it takes a lot to drive me to pain. I have my mental blocks, but I've gotten over some of it, and some of it I probably never will get past. But if you're like me... don't be. No one should be like me, find help, find friends, find those people that love you no matter what, and cling to them. You need them, more than you realize. Trust me.

- JR

Thoughts on Love

I've been thinking about love. Most people want it, most people want someone to spend the rest of their lives with me. But I'm doing everything i can to avoid it. Subconsciously I've even been sabotaging my own relationships.

I think I'm terrified of love. I'm terrified that I'll never really be loved by anyone, I'm terrified I'll never be loved at all and I'm terrified that if I really let myself love and be loved I'll only end up broken hearted. Instead I use my family, my job, my sexuality and my own appearance as reasons to justify why I can never be loved, never have a real relationship.

But what it all really comes down to is that I'm terrified. I'm terrified I'll never be able to find someone who can love me for who I am. I'll never find someone who thinks I'm beautiful, who finds my nerdiness endearing, or who knows my little habits.

I shrug a lot. But who understands why?

I can't sleep during thunderstorms. I panic if I don't have my necklace. I almost always have bruises on my shoulders. I mute certain parts of movies and tv episodes. I don't go to church. I sleep with my phone under my pillow and on vibrate.

And all I really want is someone who will want to understand why I do them.

I define love as wanting to know a person completely, of being able to sit with a person and having a million things to say after 40 years together, but not needing to say a word. I see love as wanting to fall asleep and wanting to wake up with the same person next to you every day for a thousand years. It's wanting to walk hand in had through the park and being there, every day, when they're on top of the world or being smashed under it. Love is not asking someone to change but in accepting them for who they are. Love is magic, it's the north star, what you aim for.

And it terrifies the hell out of me.

@megshensley: it's a pit of your stomach can't breathe heart palpitation always dreaming situation. When you picture your future they're in it.

@TtownAmstaff: I always felt like w/romantic love it's not something you can really define, you just sort of know it, you feel it or you don't

@AmandaKirchner : as for love, le sigh, if something good happens whose the first person u wanna tell? That's usually the one u love the most.

@MormonLesbian: I'm too sassy right now. Everything I thought of was followed by me thinking, "That's not love; that's an erection," haha

Tiny Post (2 years)

You said two years was a long time to wait for love,
I said two years down the road I'll be just fine.


Well it's two years down the road and I'm alright
It's two years down the road and life's moved on
But it's two years later and I'm still waiting
I'm still loving, I'm still holding on
to two years waiting for you.

1. I started writing this as a weird piece of poetry.
2. I want to break out my guitar and turn it into a song
3. I don't know how to play my guitar
4. Anyone wanna help?