It's hard to believe in love. It's hard to believe that there is love out there for everyone, that someday we're all going to find that one someone who will make our heart beat faster and our lungs fail. On same days it's just easier to believe that love doesn't exist, that we're not destined for anyone, that love is just an illusion Disney taught us to believe in.
And some days, it's just easier to give up on love. It's easier to not believe, when you've been cheated on, left behind, broken hearted, abused or just used for sex. It's easier to not believe when you've fallen for the wrong person, the straight girl, the one who is too old, too young. Or when you've fallen for the one who is with someone else, the one who only wants to be friends, the one who will never be interested. It's easy to give up when you've felt your heart shatter once, it's easier to give up when your heart has shattered twice. The more you break, the easier it is to quit.
It doesn't get easier to put yourself back together, in fact, the more you shatter the harder it gets every time. And eventually... you just can't help but wonder if it's worth the effort to find all your pieces again. It gets too hard to hold back the tears, it gets too hard to open your eyes and believe that love is possible. So finally, you've got not choice but to give up.
Personally... I've always fallen for the women that were no good for me. I've fallen for the cheaters, the alcoholics, the drug addicts, the abusive (physically, mentally and emotionally). I've fallen for the straight girls, the women who only wanted sex, and even the ones who only wanted me for the presents I might buy them. I've fallen for the ones who are in relationships, and I've fallen for the ones who I will never be good enough for. And I've fallen harder for some of them then I have for others. Once or twice I even believed I found love, but I was wrong. I'm always wrong.
It doesn't get easier, it never gets easier. And... I love my friends, but they don't always help. Being told I'm amazing, or that I'd make a wonderful girlfriend... the only thing that leaves in my mind is why does no one else see it then? And it's hard to believe their words when the only people that see it are the people that will never look at me in the way I wish they would. I can't count the number of times my friends have told me that I deserve love, that I'm an amazing catch and that any woman would be lucky to have me. And every time I can't help but disagree, to argue with them in my head, if not aloud, because obviously no one sees it but them.
I love my friends, but their belief that I'm worth loving, that I'm amazing, simply makes it harder for me to believe in myself. The more they believe in me, the harder it is to believe in love. And then... it just gets easier and easier to believe that love doesn't exist or that I'm not meant for it.
I'm not sure that there's a point to this post really... I suppose I just needed an opportunity to clear my head a bit after the recent weeks. But for those of you that sat through and read my mental and heartbroken ramble... thanks.
- J
