I love women. I always have. I love the way they fit in my arms, I love the way they look. I love the way they smell. Simply put, I love women.
The problem is they do not love me. Or rather I am horrible at telling if they love me. Apparently when I was born Gaydars were out of stock. In the past five years I have never been able to tell when a woman is flirting with me. Even when they are blatantly flirting with me I assume they are just being friendly.
I learned at a young age to never make assumptions about people. As a result any chance I had at a Gaydar was destroyed by my refusal to judge people. Which really really makes it hard for me.
There was a cute teller at the bank today when I went to deposit a check after work. She seemed sweet and we were having a fairly entertaining conversation where I made her laugh and she made me smile. Even after my business was done we still talked for a few more minutes. I was honestly sorta sad to leave. It wasn't until I got into my car that it occurred to me that she might have been flirting with me, on even the smallest level. My immediate response to that (other than to post about it on twitter) was that she was surely just being friendly and most certainly she was straight. But even now I'm sitting at home nine hours later wondering if maybe I missed an opportunity.
I wonder how many opportunities I might have missed over the past five years. I wonder how many opportunities I'll continue to miss. For the past year and a half my mother and my friends have been trying to convince me to let them sign me up for an online dating service. I've always told them no. But I'm beginning to question that decision. Obviously I can't be trusted to find women in my every day life and my judgment of women in the past has been decidedly poor. Don't get me wrong, I still love and adore my exes, but looking back on our relationships I understand that we were never right for each other. So maybe I need some help in the women department. But I think it would all be a lot easier if I could just get a Gaydar installed.
So maybe we need to start compiling a list of traits I'd like to find in a girlfriend, and a list of the traits that I can't accept or know won't work for us. If I have an idea what to search for one. Maybe I should let my friends have control over my relationships for now.
This train of thought will probably be continued tomorrow. Night world.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Keep my secrets, trust me with yours.
Lindsay - Make me laugh when the chips are down."
Jill - "When I'm wrong tell me I'm wrong even if you think I don't want to hear it."
Claire - "Keep my secrets, trust me with yours."
- Women's Murder Club, Season 1, Episode 3
So tonight I'm completing my little trilogy of posts revolving around the above quote from the Women's Murder Club. Secrets are a big part of life and an even bigger part of friendships. We all have our secrets, some we share with others and some we harbor and keep hidden away from even our most trusted companions. I'm lucky enough to have a few friends that I hold near and dear to my heart, companions I love and adore and can tell all my secrets to. But just because I can tell them my secrets doesn't mean I do. There are still secrets, still burdens hidden in my heart that I can't find the strength to share with others.
In light of the theme and idea of tonight's post, I'll try sharing some of my own secrets, some are silly, some are embarrassing and some are painful. But seeing as I've developed a trend of talking about myself, I'll continue along that vein tonight, and hopefully tomorrow I'll move towards something less self absorbed.
1. When I was a kid I watched a movie on Lifetime with my mom. There was a scene where the cops sprayed luminol on the walls to show the blood from the vicious murder that happened, like in a lot of Lifetime movies, and the walls and ceiling and floor, and entire room was practically lit up with the glow. The scene terrified me for years. Even though I love glow-in-the-dark stuff (my ceiling is covered with stars and planets) it still freaks me out occasionally.
2. I'm terrified of heights.
3. Teaching terrifies me every day. But at the same time it's exhilarating and I feel like for the first time in my life I'm actually maybe making a difference at something.
4. I adore Kristen Bell in the movie Fanboys and her character Zoe has most of the traits I would picture in my dream girl.
5. Up until I started my student teaching I spent more time with my dogs than I did with people.
6. If I were a character in Star Wars I don't know if I'd rather be Luke or Han. But not Leia. (I wouldn't look good in the gold bikini)
7. I always wear the same necklace. It has two rings and a german coin on it. One ring was made by my great grandfather and it always lays on the right. The coin that my grandfather brought back from World War Two is between that ring and a ring that belonged to a friend of mine before she died. Her ring always lies on the left. The necklace only comes off when I shower, it's that last thing I take off and the first thing I put back on. (The longest it's been off was when my sister got married in September and I had to take it off for the ceremony and reception.)
8. When I was a kid I would fall asleep doing anything, reading, sprawled out in random places, in the bath. I'd just keep going and doing whatever until I just passed out. I pretty much still do that. I keep going and working on whatever I need too until I fall asleep. I fell asleep in the middle of writing a paper once, woke up 2 hours later to another two pages I apparently wrote while I was asleep.
9. I have a machete and about 9 pockets knives. (I like pointy things)
10. I try to avoid sleep as much as I can. Or if I can't avoid sleep I try to pop a sleeping pill. I do anything I can to avoid my dreams. My dreams tend to be disturbing or nightmarish.
11. I wear brightly colored or silly socks to school every day. I need something to add some fun to the fact that I have to dress up for school every day.
12. I want a tattoo, but I have no idea what of, and I'm afraid of needles.
13. I like having scars. I have a lot that are self-inflicted, which I'm less fond of. But I have some pretty cool ones that I like.
14. I have absolutely no artistic or crafty talents. I can't knit, paint, draw, sew, crochet or do anything that involves my hands like that. But I am pretty good with a set of tools.
15. I cried when my fish died. (I was overly attached.)
16. I'm not sure how I could have made it through the past six and a half years without the people I met as a freshman in college.
17. I have horrible, horrible taste in women. (Most of the time)
18. I talk about alcohol a lot more than I drink it. I don't know why.
19. Sometimes I'm convinced that I'll never be anything but second fiddle to my sister, and it feels like I'm permanently stuck in her shadow. I don't know how to escape that feeling.
20. I'm determined to update this blog every night for a year. Even if some nights it's just random ramble and rabble that fills my head when I'm exhausted.
G'night folks. See you tomorrow. (oh and I know there are mistakes in yesterday's post, and probably in this one, I'll fix them later. Promise.)
Jill - "When I'm wrong tell me I'm wrong even if you think I don't want to hear it."
Claire - "Keep my secrets, trust me with yours."
- Women's Murder Club, Season 1, Episode 3
So tonight I'm completing my little trilogy of posts revolving around the above quote from the Women's Murder Club. Secrets are a big part of life and an even bigger part of friendships. We all have our secrets, some we share with others and some we harbor and keep hidden away from even our most trusted companions. I'm lucky enough to have a few friends that I hold near and dear to my heart, companions I love and adore and can tell all my secrets to. But just because I can tell them my secrets doesn't mean I do. There are still secrets, still burdens hidden in my heart that I can't find the strength to share with others.
In light of the theme and idea of tonight's post, I'll try sharing some of my own secrets, some are silly, some are embarrassing and some are painful. But seeing as I've developed a trend of talking about myself, I'll continue along that vein tonight, and hopefully tomorrow I'll move towards something less self absorbed.
1. When I was a kid I watched a movie on Lifetime with my mom. There was a scene where the cops sprayed luminol on the walls to show the blood from the vicious murder that happened, like in a lot of Lifetime movies, and the walls and ceiling and floor, and entire room was practically lit up with the glow. The scene terrified me for years. Even though I love glow-in-the-dark stuff (my ceiling is covered with stars and planets) it still freaks me out occasionally.
2. I'm terrified of heights.
3. Teaching terrifies me every day. But at the same time it's exhilarating and I feel like for the first time in my life I'm actually maybe making a difference at something.
4. I adore Kristen Bell in the movie Fanboys and her character Zoe has most of the traits I would picture in my dream girl.
5. Up until I started my student teaching I spent more time with my dogs than I did with people.
6. If I were a character in Star Wars I don't know if I'd rather be Luke or Han. But not Leia. (I wouldn't look good in the gold bikini)
7. I always wear the same necklace. It has two rings and a german coin on it. One ring was made by my great grandfather and it always lays on the right. The coin that my grandfather brought back from World War Two is between that ring and a ring that belonged to a friend of mine before she died. Her ring always lies on the left. The necklace only comes off when I shower, it's that last thing I take off and the first thing I put back on. (The longest it's been off was when my sister got married in September and I had to take it off for the ceremony and reception.)
8. When I was a kid I would fall asleep doing anything, reading, sprawled out in random places, in the bath. I'd just keep going and doing whatever until I just passed out. I pretty much still do that. I keep going and working on whatever I need too until I fall asleep. I fell asleep in the middle of writing a paper once, woke up 2 hours later to another two pages I apparently wrote while I was asleep.
9. I have a machete and about 9 pockets knives. (I like pointy things)
10. I try to avoid sleep as much as I can. Or if I can't avoid sleep I try to pop a sleeping pill. I do anything I can to avoid my dreams. My dreams tend to be disturbing or nightmarish.
11. I wear brightly colored or silly socks to school every day. I need something to add some fun to the fact that I have to dress up for school every day.
12. I want a tattoo, but I have no idea what of, and I'm afraid of needles.
13. I like having scars. I have a lot that are self-inflicted, which I'm less fond of. But I have some pretty cool ones that I like.
14. I have absolutely no artistic or crafty talents. I can't knit, paint, draw, sew, crochet or do anything that involves my hands like that. But I am pretty good with a set of tools.
15. I cried when my fish died. (I was overly attached.)
16. I'm not sure how I could have made it through the past six and a half years without the people I met as a freshman in college.
17. I have horrible, horrible taste in women. (Most of the time)
18. I talk about alcohol a lot more than I drink it. I don't know why.
19. Sometimes I'm convinced that I'll never be anything but second fiddle to my sister, and it feels like I'm permanently stuck in her shadow. I don't know how to escape that feeling.
20. I'm determined to update this blog every night for a year. Even if some nights it's just random ramble and rabble that fills my head when I'm exhausted.
G'night folks. See you tomorrow. (oh and I know there are mistakes in yesterday's post, and probably in this one, I'll fix them later. Promise.)
Sunday, January 23, 2011
When I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong.
Lindsay - Make me laugh when the chips are down."
Jill - "When I'm wrong tell me I'm wrong even if you think I don't want to hear it."
Claire - "Keep my secrets, trust me with yours."
- Women's Murder Club, Season 1, Episode 3
I'm of the opinion that too often we hold our tongues instead of saying what is necessary because we don't want to offend anyone. Too often we don't listen when people tell us we're wrong, because we don't want to admit it and we're too prideful to listen.
There are times when I wish I had spoken up against something someone had said. I wish I had told people they were wrong and I wish I had stood up against their beliefs in order to protect others.
About three years ago, shortly after I finished my Bachelor's Degree, I started substitute teaching in a district I had grown up in. I have always had great respect for educators, my parents are teachers and my grandfather was a teacher as well. So I started substitute teaching knowing that educators offer a great deal to our society and to our children.
I never expected to be stuck in a teacher break room listening to a conversation that I never expected to hear from teaching professionals. I was sitting at a table enjoying my lunch, sitting with a group of teachers that I didn't know very well. The conversation between the teachers turned to a particular student that they believed to be gay. (This was in a middle school, and the student was a 7th grader) I sat there and listened as one teacher after another made disparaging comments about the boy. I was shocked, but not as shocked as when a teacher suggested dropping the boy off outside a prison to spend time with the inmates, because the boy would be sure to enjoy it.
I sat there, and I sat silently. And I am ashamed. The teachers would blatantly violating the code of conduct and every ethical code that exists. But I kept silently. And I wish, still wish, that I had reported the teachers, but I didn't, because I was afraid of losing my job for speaking out against them. I was wrong. And so were they. But maybe I was more so, because I had the responsibility and the duty of standing up for that student, but I didn't. And for that I am ashamed of myself, and will be, always will be.
We all make mistakes. Some of us more often that others, but we still make them. And maybe part of growing up, part of learning to be ourselves is to recognize when we've made those mistakes and stand up and accept them.
I got into the car with a drunk driver. Shortly after my 21st birthday I went out to a bar with a couple of my friends. We all had plenty to drink, some more than others, but in the end none of us were sober enough to drive. I was coherent enough to understand that none of us should have been driving. I should have been smart enough to take my friends keys and called one of our other friends to pick us up. But I wasn't that smart, and instead I got in the car and let my friend drive. Four years later I still wonder how badly that drive really could have ended for us. We were young, stupid, reckless and drunk. It was a mistake. I was wrong.
I've made mistakes, and I regret them every day. I value a friend who will point out my errors to me, who will tell me I'm wrong even if I don't want to hear it.
I think we'll leave it at this for tonight. Part three of this strand of thought coming tomorrow. Good night!
Make Me Laugh When the Chips are Down
I'm sure some of us are familiar, to a point, with The Women's Murder Club. I'm not going to lie, I loved the show. But I could never really get into it because I'd read the series the books were based on, and I knew there wasn't a happy ending for all the main characters. But there was a scene in the third episode where Claire, Jill, Cindy and Lindsay are having a conversation, revolving around Claire, Jill and Lindsay accepting Cindy into their little group.
Lindsay - Make me laugh when the chips are down." Jill - "When I'm wrong tell me I'm wrong even if you think I don't want to hear it." Claire - "Keep my secrets, trust me with yours." - Women's Murder Club, Season 1, Episode 3 I've always loved that little bit. So even though I was planning on doing something somewhat silly and entertaining for tonight's blog (and tomorrow's) I decided on something a little different. Tonight and the next couple of nights are going to be themed around that quote segment. Make Me Laugh When the Chips are Down The Golden Girls: |
Rose: Sophia, why are you in such a bad mood?
Sophia: Excuse me Rose, I haven't had sex in fifteen years and it's starting to get on my nerves.
Sophia: Excuse me Rose, I haven't had sex in fifteen years and it's starting to get on my nerves.
Blanche: I'll give you anything! I'll give you one of my sons!
Dorothy: Blanche!
Blanche: Dorothy, I've given this a lot of thought. I've had three sons, I've never had a Mercedes. Which one do you want? Biff, Doug, Skippy? No, don't take Skippy, he's got asthma.
Dorothy: Blanche!
Blanche: Dorothy, I've given this a lot of thought. I've had three sons, I've never had a Mercedes. Which one do you want? Biff, Doug, Skippy? No, don't take Skippy, he's got asthma.
Gabriel Iglesias: (Dude makes me laugh every time)
One Liners:
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Potter Puppet Pals:
Choose Your Own Adventure:
History of the World, Part I:
Comicus:
Swiftus:
Comicus:
[drumbeat, everyone laughs]
Comicus:
The Christians are so poor...
Swiftus:
How poor are they?
Comicus:
Thank you. They are so poor... That they only have one God.
[drumbeat, everyone laughs]
Comicus:
But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.
Clue:
Miss Scarlet: Maybe there is life after death.
Mrs. White: Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage!
Mrs. White: Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage!
Colonel Mustard: How many husbands have you had?
Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?
Colonel Mustard: Yours.
Mrs. White: Five.
Colonel Mustard: Five?
Mrs. White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft strong and disposable.
Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Colonel Mustard: Right!
Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?
Colonel Mustard: Yours.
Mrs. White: Five.
Colonel Mustard: Five?
Mrs. White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft strong and disposable.
Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Colonel Mustard: Right!
Professor Plum: Is there gonna be a cover up?
Wadsworth: Isn't that in the public interest? What could be gained by exposure?
Professor Plum: But is the FBI in the habit of cleaning up after a multiple murder?
Wadsworth: Yes. Why do you think it's run by a man called Hoover?
Wadsworth: Isn't that in the public interest? What could be gained by exposure?
Professor Plum: But is the FBI in the habit of cleaning up after a multiple murder?
Wadsworth: Yes. Why do you think it's run by a man called Hoover?
Okay, hopefully y'all laughed a bit. I should be back on schedule with another blog again tonight, since this is technically Saturday's post. Have a good laugh!
Friday, January 21, 2011
What I should have said.
I've been trying to write this blog tonight for about an hour. But my mind has been bouncing all over the place with all the things I could say and I can't decide on a focus.
The thing that is primarily standing out in my head is the speech I wish I had given my parents the first time I told them I was gay. (There were several times, most of which were followed by the statement "It's just a phase.... they were wrong.) But in the years since I have been editing, rethinking, wishing, revising and just wondering how I would do it all over again if I could, and it has come down to this.
"Mom. Dad. I'm gay." Okay, that part is fairly standard, but it's what follows it that I wish I had thought of then.
"I'm still the same person I was five minutes ago. I'm still the same person I was five years ago. Nothing about me has changed. I'm still that girl who loves banana splits. I'm still that girl you took camping and kayaking. I'm still that girl who loves Star Wars and video games. I'm still me. I'm still your daughter. And I'll still be that girl tomorrow, and the day after that, and even the day after that."
That's what I wish I had said. But there's still more.
"I know how you raised me. And I know that maybe you're thinking that somewhere along the way something went wrong. But that's not true. You raised me to believe in the good in people. To respect myself, to respect others. You taught me to do what was right, no matter what the rest of the world was doing. You taught me to believe in myself, to believe that I could be who I was without fearing repercussions. And it's because of that, because of what you taught me, and how you raised me, that I can be who I am right now."
I doubt it would have hurt anything if I'd told them how well they actually did raising me.
I wish, I especially wish I had thought to include this next part.
"You raised me to believe in God, to believe in the church, to believe in an existence beyond that one. The God you taught me about was a loving one and I still believe in that God. But the church you taught me about, that you raised me in, it no longer exists. That church kicked me out and I'm glad for it. i have faith and I have my beliefs, but I don't have a religion, I don't have a church. I can't believe in a god that would condemn me for love. Everything you've taught me, everything the church has taught me, is that love is the most powerful idea, element, emotion, that exists. I will not sacrifice that belief."
I wish I had said all of that. But mostly, I wish I had said this last part.
"No matter how you feel about me. No matter how you see me. I am still now, and always will be the girl you raised. You have given me life, you have given me love, you have given me everything I could ever have asked for. I'm not asking you to support me. I'm not asking you to stand out there waving rainbow flags. I'm just asking for you to love me, because I'm the same person I've always been. I love you."
That's what I wish I had said.
The thing that is primarily standing out in my head is the speech I wish I had given my parents the first time I told them I was gay. (There were several times, most of which were followed by the statement "It's just a phase.... they were wrong.) But in the years since I have been editing, rethinking, wishing, revising and just wondering how I would do it all over again if I could, and it has come down to this.
"Mom. Dad. I'm gay." Okay, that part is fairly standard, but it's what follows it that I wish I had thought of then.
"I'm still the same person I was five minutes ago. I'm still the same person I was five years ago. Nothing about me has changed. I'm still that girl who loves banana splits. I'm still that girl you took camping and kayaking. I'm still that girl who loves Star Wars and video games. I'm still me. I'm still your daughter. And I'll still be that girl tomorrow, and the day after that, and even the day after that."
That's what I wish I had said. But there's still more.
"I know how you raised me. And I know that maybe you're thinking that somewhere along the way something went wrong. But that's not true. You raised me to believe in the good in people. To respect myself, to respect others. You taught me to do what was right, no matter what the rest of the world was doing. You taught me to believe in myself, to believe that I could be who I was without fearing repercussions. And it's because of that, because of what you taught me, and how you raised me, that I can be who I am right now."
I doubt it would have hurt anything if I'd told them how well they actually did raising me.
I wish, I especially wish I had thought to include this next part.
"You raised me to believe in God, to believe in the church, to believe in an existence beyond that one. The God you taught me about was a loving one and I still believe in that God. But the church you taught me about, that you raised me in, it no longer exists. That church kicked me out and I'm glad for it. i have faith and I have my beliefs, but I don't have a religion, I don't have a church. I can't believe in a god that would condemn me for love. Everything you've taught me, everything the church has taught me, is that love is the most powerful idea, element, emotion, that exists. I will not sacrifice that belief."
I wish I had said all of that. But mostly, I wish I had said this last part.
"No matter how you feel about me. No matter how you see me. I am still now, and always will be the girl you raised. You have given me life, you have given me love, you have given me everything I could ever have asked for. I'm not asking you to support me. I'm not asking you to stand out there waving rainbow flags. I'm just asking for you to love me, because I'm the same person I've always been. I love you."
That's what I wish I had said.
Friend of mine sent me a link to this, thought it went well with tonight's blog and I agree with her, so I thought I'd share it with the rest of you.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
My Obviously Gay Traits: or how I fit the Lesbian Stereotype
My last couple blogs have been just a little bit on the heavy side. So this one is going to be a little bit different. What follows is a semi humorous look at my Obviously Gay Traits. Hopefully we all get a few laughs at this.
Shoes. We all have them. Some of us, in typical female fashion, have at least 20 pairs. But for the purposes of my gayness... we have the five pairs of shoes I wear most. So, starting clockwise from the top left we have:
Steel Toe Boots... a necessity. Mine came in handing a couple summers ago when I worked maintenance and grounds-keeping at an observatory. I spent three months riding a big John Deere lawn mower decked out in a baseball hat, sunglasses and a tank top.
My black converse. A gift from my sister for serving as the Maid of Honor at her wedding. Let's just point out that they looked great with my dress at the reception.
The blue denim converse. This pair of shoes is older than I am. They belonged to my dad when he was in High School and I found them when I was 17 and I've been wearing them ever since.
Okay, the next two pairs are pretty standard. Simple black dress shoes and a well worn pair of sneakers. Both pairs are work shoes and get worn a lot.
My favorite pair isn't pictured, but really, I've got a great pair of black wingtips that I found at Goodwill a few years ago and I absolutely adore them.
So... based on my shoes alone... I might be slightly gay.
Let me just point out that I own not one, not two, but five flannel shirts. (And a pair of flannel pajama pants, but that's neither here nor there.) I love my flannel shirts and I usually end up tossing one on as soon as I get home from work and change my clothes. So I might be a little more gay.
Rainbow bracelet? Check. Rainbow ribbon? Check. Clunky watch with rainbowish face? Check. Big shiny thumb ring? Check. Gaydar? Still in the mail somewhere... (seriously... I don't have one.) But I do have all my necessary jewelry.
Dogs. I have three. Two golden retrievers and a toy poodle. My bedroom is a testament to that, the dogs have a water bowl and a basket of toys in my room, not to mention a comfy looking dog bed. I'm not sure they know if they bed is comfy, because they always sneak into my bed when I'm not looking. Seriously, I love my dogs, I spend more time with my dogs then I do people. Oops.
Ahhh, the dvd collection. No lies, this is only the part of the dvd collection that's relevant to this post. If it's a TV show with a pairing that has the slightest hints of lesbian subtext then I've watched it. If I've found it on dvd and could afford it, I've bought it. I would like to point out that the lesbian based films that I own generally actually have somewhat happy endings. (I really don't subscribe to the whole depressing ending thing, I like to laugh, and sad movies don't do it for me.) But really, any good lesbian has at least a few of these movies. I highly recommend Out at the Wedding by the way, it's pretty much hilarious. Yes... yes indeed, I am gay.
Music. Alright, most of my music collection is digital so I was hard pressed to find some cd's to illustrate this point. But what I do have on cd is fairly accurate. Broadway recordings, Uh Huh Her and Jennifer O'Connor. Gay.
I have a degree in Literature, let me illustrate that point first. I have books, I have a lot of books, over 700. So my books are arranged by fiction and non fiction. And you can tell by the top picture that my non fiction selections include books on homosexuality, lesbian humor, homophobia, and the always popular Lesbian Kama Sutra. (Which was an awesome gift from one of my Gay boys one year. Side note.... he's terrified of the pictures in the book. It's hilarious.)
But beyond my non fiction selections, my fictional sections on the gay end of things are lacking. Wicked... yeah, Elpheba and Glinda (Galinda) were a little gay together, I swear. A couple Fannie Flagg novels... including of course, Fried Green Tomatoes. (Love it.) The works of Sappho... obviously gay. (sorta) And we all love Rizzoli & Isles, so some of us ran out to start reading the books. And ... well alright, I threw in The Princess Bride because it's a classic and I just love it. But over all, yeah I'm pretty sure I'm a little bit gay.
Oh yeah, and for New Years Eve best friend and I made about 150 Jello shots, in a rainbow of colors. Awesome! (this is obviously just a sampling...and one orange was orange flavored, the other was creamsicle!)
Alright folks, on a scale of straight to gay, where do you fall?
Also, we'll probably return to our more serious entries soon, but I figured we could all use something a little more light hearted tonight.
Oh yeah, and I once applied for a job at Home Depot, just for the joy of filling the stereotype. =D
Oh yeah, and thanks Listy for giving me an idea for my title!
Steel Toe Boots... a necessity. Mine came in handing a couple summers ago when I worked maintenance and grounds-keeping at an observatory. I spent three months riding a big John Deere lawn mower decked out in a baseball hat, sunglasses and a tank top.
My black converse. A gift from my sister for serving as the Maid of Honor at her wedding. Let's just point out that they looked great with my dress at the reception.
The blue denim converse. This pair of shoes is older than I am. They belonged to my dad when he was in High School and I found them when I was 17 and I've been wearing them ever since.
Okay, the next two pairs are pretty standard. Simple black dress shoes and a well worn pair of sneakers. Both pairs are work shoes and get worn a lot.
My favorite pair isn't pictured, but really, I've got a great pair of black wingtips that I found at Goodwill a few years ago and I absolutely adore them.
So... based on my shoes alone... I might be slightly gay.
Let me just point out that I own not one, not two, but five flannel shirts. (And a pair of flannel pajama pants, but that's neither here nor there.) I love my flannel shirts and I usually end up tossing one on as soon as I get home from work and change my clothes. So I might be a little more gay.
Rainbow bracelet? Check. Rainbow ribbon? Check. Clunky watch with rainbowish face? Check. Big shiny thumb ring? Check. Gaydar? Still in the mail somewhere... (seriously... I don't have one.) But I do have all my necessary jewelry.
Dogs. I have three. Two golden retrievers and a toy poodle. My bedroom is a testament to that, the dogs have a water bowl and a basket of toys in my room, not to mention a comfy looking dog bed. I'm not sure they know if they bed is comfy, because they always sneak into my bed when I'm not looking. Seriously, I love my dogs, I spend more time with my dogs then I do people. Oops.
Ahhh, the dvd collection. No lies, this is only the part of the dvd collection that's relevant to this post. If it's a TV show with a pairing that has the slightest hints of lesbian subtext then I've watched it. If I've found it on dvd and could afford it, I've bought it. I would like to point out that the lesbian based films that I own generally actually have somewhat happy endings. (I really don't subscribe to the whole depressing ending thing, I like to laugh, and sad movies don't do it for me.) But really, any good lesbian has at least a few of these movies. I highly recommend Out at the Wedding by the way, it's pretty much hilarious. Yes... yes indeed, I am gay.
Music. Alright, most of my music collection is digital so I was hard pressed to find some cd's to illustrate this point. But what I do have on cd is fairly accurate. Broadway recordings, Uh Huh Her and Jennifer O'Connor. Gay.
I have a degree in Literature, let me illustrate that point first. I have books, I have a lot of books, over 700. So my books are arranged by fiction and non fiction. And you can tell by the top picture that my non fiction selections include books on homosexuality, lesbian humor, homophobia, and the always popular Lesbian Kama Sutra. (Which was an awesome gift from one of my Gay boys one year. Side note.... he's terrified of the pictures in the book. It's hilarious.)
But beyond my non fiction selections, my fictional sections on the gay end of things are lacking. Wicked... yeah, Elpheba and Glinda (Galinda) were a little gay together, I swear. A couple Fannie Flagg novels... including of course, Fried Green Tomatoes. (Love it.) The works of Sappho... obviously gay. (sorta) And we all love Rizzoli & Isles, so some of us ran out to start reading the books. And ... well alright, I threw in The Princess Bride because it's a classic and I just love it. But over all, yeah I'm pretty sure I'm a little bit gay.
Oh yeah, and for New Years Eve best friend and I made about 150 Jello shots, in a rainbow of colors. Awesome! (this is obviously just a sampling...and one orange was orange flavored, the other was creamsicle!)
Alright folks, on a scale of straight to gay, where do you fall?
Also, we'll probably return to our more serious entries soon, but I figured we could all use something a little more light hearted tonight.
Oh yeah, and I once applied for a job at Home Depot, just for the joy of filling the stereotype. =D
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The Gays Saved My Life
So, no joke. The gays saved my life. Let me explain, because this story explains my strong fondness for gay men, and my sincere love of lesbians (which can be explained in a multitude of ways).
I grew up in a relatively conservative town, went to an incredibly conservative high school of about 800. In my high school 98% of the students were white, and 0% of the population was openly gay. We've all heard about the people who say "Gays don't exist in our community." Well, that was my high school. Obviously it wasn't true, I was gay, and I had known it to some extent since I was 12. But it wasn't a safe situation for me to be anyone but who I was expected to be. That safe situation ended towards the conclusion of my freshman year of high school.
I was young, please keep this in mind. During an AIM conversation with friends one night, someone I had seen as a very good friend, who I trusted with my life, made some very disparaging comments about Gays. I expressed my displeasure with her statement, in less than polite ways, and finished my rant about how I was bi, so apparently she meant all those things about me too. [Side note, I was 14, had not fully accepted how much I really liked girls and really didn't like boys.] The conversation ended there.
The following day when I arrived at school my former friend had printed out copies of our conversation, blacked out her screen name with sharpie, then wrote at the top of the page that it was my screen name on the paper. Those copies were then passed around the school. Well in my little 14 year old brain, that was the end of thing. For about a week I hid during my lunches, avoiding the cafeteria, avoiding the hallways, avoiding classes, avoiding everything I could. I tried to avoid people as much as I could, and I knew they were talking about me and I knew that my safety was no longer guaranteed in my school.
I came in the building one morning to find LESBIAN scrawled in red sharpie across my locker door. I overheard my softball teammates talking about me on the bus on our way to games, I overheard them complaining about sharing a locker room with me. My mother heard parents talking about me at softball games. My sister and my friends were questioned about me. My coaches, my teachers, my parents and the administration did nothing to protect me, did nothing to say it wasn't acceptable for me to feel threatened when I walked into the school in the morning.
A funny thing happened, something I never expected. My friends were still there for me. And everything about me died down. But for the rest of the time I was in high school I dated guys, and it never lasted or got very far (for what are now obvious reasons). There were still rumors about me every year, there were still people watching me suspiciously, there were still teammates that refused to change while I was in the locker room.
In my four years at my high school I was the only student who was ever anything but straight. (I know now that's not true, as time has passed more and more of my classmates have come out of the closet and the numbers rise every year) But it was hell for me in a thousand different ways. I was alone, and like a lot of GLBT students and teens are I was depressed and suicide wasn't a rare thought for me.
But then the Gays saved my life.
My freshman year of college I found myself in an environment that was completely different from every situation I had ever known. I lived across the hall from guys, I shared a dorm with two girls I had never met, and I was away from home and essentially on my own. But most importantly, there were GAYS! I wasn't alone anymore. There was an amazing Gay guy who lived across the hall. And I sat behind this adorable little lesbian in my freshman Psychology class. And for the first time in my life, it was okay for me to be who I was. I could take part in the National Day of Silence with no worries about repercussions. I could stand up in a lineup with my friends during PRIDE week and wear rainbow bracelets and ribbons and not be afraid.
It was okay to be different, it was okay for me to have a girlfriend, even if I couldn't tell me family about her. It was okay to be myself. And like it does for a lot of people, the thoughts about suicide faded away and I learned for the first time how to be happy in my own skin. They Gays I met in college, were the first I ever knew. I celebrated my freshman year by meeting my first series of Gay boys, my first lesbians, my first real girlfriend. So in many ways, in every way, the Gays saved my life that year. And for that I will always love them, and hold them dear to my heart.
It did get better, it does get better, it will get better.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
It's not alright.
It's not alright. It's not acceptable. It's not okay. I'm saying this with the passion, the experience and the fear of someone who has stood in the back of a crowded room while others have trampled her community into the ground.
Being Gay is not a crime.
But in thousands of classrooms, schools, offices and homes, people are being persecuted for who they are. It is unacceptable to be afraid to walk out the front door in the morning. It is unacceptable to step into a place of work in the morning and have to mask who you are and who you love, or who you could love. It is unacceptable that the only place some of us have to forge connections with people like ourselves, with people in that same downtrodden community, is through the relative anonymity of the internet.
It is unacceptable to hear the word "gay" thrown around classrooms and conversations, to hear who we are used as an insult. It is unacceptable.
It is unacceptable that hundreds, thousands, millions of people have the ability to control our lives, to control a portion of our lives that has absolutely nothing to do with them. Our lives are our own, why is it necessary that we fight so hard to claim them?
There are those who have the arrogance to fight us, to condemn us, to say we are immoral, that we are destroying the values of this nation, of this world. Those same voices are the ones driving our children to death, driving our friends, our family members, our youth to end their lives. What moral high ground do they have when the blood of our citizens is on their hands?
Our lives are our own. Still we are forced to stand in the back and watch as votes are cast and counted. Watch as our rights are granted only to watch them be ripped from our lives again. We watch, we wait, we suffer.
From the GLSEN 2009 National School Climate Survey:
84.6% of LGBT students reported being verbally harassed, 40.1% reported being physically harassed and 18.8% reported being physically assaulted at school in the past year because of their sexual orientation.
63.7% of LGBT students reported being verbally harassed, 27.2% reported being physically harassed and 12.5% reported being physically assaulted at school in the past year because of their gender expression.
72.4% heard homophobic remarks, such as "faggot" or "dyke," frequently or often at school.
Nearly two-thirds (61.1%) of students reported that they felt unsafe in school because of their sexual orientation, and more than a third (39.9%) felt unsafe because of their gender expression.
29.1% of LGBT students missed a class at least once and 30.0% missed at least one day of school in the past month because of safety concerns, compared to only 8.0% and 6.7%, respectively, of a national sample of secondary school students.
The reported grade point average of students who were more frequently harassed because of their sexual orientation or gender expression was almost half a grade lower than for students who were less often harassed (2.7 vs. 3.1).
Increased levels of victimization were related to increased levels of depression and anxiety and decreased levels of self-esteem.
Being out in school had positive and negative repercussions for LGBT students – outness was related to higher levels of victimization, but also higher levels of psychological well-being.
Positive Interventions and Support:
Having a Gay-Straight Alliance in school was related to more positive experiences for LGBT students, including: hearing fewer homophobic remarks, less victimization because of sexual orientation and gender expression, less absenteeism because of safety concerns and a greater sense of belonging to the school community.
The presence of supportive staff contributed to a range of positive indicators including fewer reports of missing school, fewer reports of feeling unsafe, greater academic achievement, higher educational aspirations and a greater sense of school belonging.
Students attending schools with an anti-bullying policy that included protections based on sexual orientation and/or gender identity/expression heard fewer homophobic remarks, experienced lower levels of victimization related to their sexual orientation, were more likely to report that staff intervened when hearing homophobic remarks and were more likely to report incidents of harassment and assault to school staff than students at schools with a general policy or no policy.
Despite the positive benefits of these interventions, less than a half of LGBT students (44.6%) reported having a Gay-Straight Alliance at school, slightly more than half (53.4%) could identify six or more supportive educators and less than a fifth (18.2%) attended a school that had a comprehensive anti-bullying policy.
I'm standing on my soap box. And I'm angry. I like to think I have every right to be. And the thing is, I normally stand in the back of the crowd. I don't raise my voice, I don't shout out about my anger, about the injustice, about my fear. But I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of standing to the side as I let others trample down on my freedoms. I won't stay silent. I won't lose my voice to the masses. Even if this is the only voice I have, the only way I can share my anger, my frustration, my pain and my love, I will share it.
I will not let my students suffer at the hands of others. I will not let my fellow teachers insult our students for who they are. I will not stand to the side.
No one ever stood up for me when I was in school, I won't let my students feel so ignored. We do exist. We are in your schools, your offices, your business, your family. No matter how much you try to ignore us, we exist. We are here. Accept us. We've accepted you. We have a voice.
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