The things I'll never do....

About two and a half months ago I met someone. She is.... amazing. And I love her. And miracle of miracles, she loves me. Which might seem quick to some people, and slow to others, but we found each other, and that amazes me every day. So for once, I'm not questioning it, I'm just... letting go, and taking things as they come. 

As most things tend to go, especially when it comes to my life, things aren't easy. We're miles apart... hours apart, sometimes it seems like we're worlds apart. And due to complications beyond either of our control, our contact is much more limited than anyone would prefer.... except perhaps those keeping us from each other. But the point is, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about her, about me, about my life, my career, and about the people and things that are important to me in my life. Which has led me to this list... a list of things I'll never do. Some of them are geared towards specific people, my girl, my best friend, my grandmother.... they're all here. And so are you.

1.  I will never forget you. 
2.  I will never ignore an email, or a comment, or a phone call.
3.  I will never push you to the side if you need my help.
4.  I will never stop being thankful for the people that read my blog.
5.  I will never stop loving my job.
6.  I will never sleep on the couch when you're angry with me, kick me in your sleep if you have to, but I will never not be by your side when you wake up, as long as I can help it.
7. I will never hate you for believing something different that me.
8. I will never get to tell you I'm sorry.
9. I will never stop learning.
10. I will never grow out of my love of Legos and Action Figures.
11. I will never stop writing.
12. I will never stop reading.
13. I will never stop being myself.
14. I will never be caught unprepared for zombies.
15. I will never willingly wake up before 5 a.m.
16. I will never stop regretting not being there when you died.
17. I will never be straight.
18. I will never tell you I hate you.
19. I will never stop making people laugh.
20. I will never stop being a pervert heart.
21. I will never stop being my Grandfather's grandaughter.
22. I will never stop dreaming of a beach, the sun, and the lake.
23. I will never stop being myself.
24. I will never stop thinking every person on this Earth is beautiful.
25. I will never forget my first Doctor. 
26. I will never stop being thankful for the people I have found in my life.
27. I will never stop loving my friends and my family.
28. I will never stop looking for new friends. 
29. I will never give up on you. 
30. I will never walk away when you need a hand to pull you up.
31. I will never turn away anyone who needs a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on.
32. I will never ignore someone who feels lost and alone.
33. I will never not be here. 
34. I will never forget the people I loved and lost. 
35. I will never forget those who left before their time. 
36. I will never be normal.
37. I will never dye my hair.
38. I will never give up on the good in people.
39. I will never stop trying to teach my self things.
40. I will never raise my fists against someone except in self defense.
41. I will never give up my love of Science Fiction.
42. I will never stop believing in love.
43. I will never write a three sentence blog.
44. I will never stop learning from the past.
45. I will never take being pain free for granted again.
46. I will never stop trusting people.
47. I will never wear a bikini.
48. I will never understand the world, but I will never stop trying.
49. I will never stop playing my video games.
50. I will never give up on any of you.

That's my list, what's yours? 
Thanks for reading folks.
- J

After a long absence ....

Hello my lovelies... I know it's been a dreadfully long time since I've posted, and I apologize. Long story short.... the past year has been hectic as all hell. To sum up, got a full time job in October, several instances of bad luck in April, house caught on fire in April, lived in two apartments and a hotel temporary. Now living in my own apartment, and I lost my job. All of which.... seems petty right now. The real reason I'm back after my long absence is to tell you all about someone I love with my whole heart. 

You see.... about 5 hours ago my grandmother passed away. 

Nan... well, I'm trying really hard to remember the good things, the happy moments, and not focus on how I saw her tonight. So, I hope you don't mind, but I think I'll share some of my stories tonight. 

One thing I'll always remembers is that Nan's hair never changed. I'm not saying it stayed in place, no, her hairstyle has been the same for the past 40 years. I remember I always sort of picked on her for it, we all kind of did. But it's always amusing to look at the old photos and see that really, her hair hasn't changed since the 70s.


Once when my little cousin Brittany was younger, maybe 3 or so, she was in visiting, and my sister and I were feeding her. And she had told us over and over she didn't like mustard. (We were having hot dogs or something) And I went to open the mustard, for the rest of us, and it was a brand new bottle, and somehow, squeezing the bottle or something, we shot mustard all over the ceiling and walls and ourselves.... Nan just looked at us like we were crazy for making a mess of her kitchen. (And Brittany, covered in mustard, looked at us and said "I like mustard now.") 


About two weeks ago I went to see Nan in the hospital, and I was texting a friend of mine while I sat in her room, and my crazy old Nan threw a box of tissues at me to get my attention. 


Nan and Pop have a miniature poodle, she's about 3 years old or so, named Lindy. Lindy has a toy monkey she loves. And Nan had made a song to sing with the monkey. "Monkey, monkey, dancing around, monkey, monkey, upside down." I remember watching Nan spin the monkey around and upside down while she sang the song to the dog. 


When my Aunt and Uncle bought Nan and Pop a giant 50" flat screen TV, Nan complained that it didn't work right. Because all it got was sports. But come college football season, Nan was right there yelling at the TV along with Pop when the Ohio State Buckeyes were playing. 


I remember Thanksgivings, Christmases, Birthdays. I remember summers playing in the backyard at the old house, and camping trips together. I remember hearing her say she loved me a thousand and one times. I remember that she was generous, always giving to people, especially my friends. I remember so many things.... and it's difficult to think that she won't be there for so many of the big moments yet to come in my life. She won't be at my wedding, and she won't be there when I have children. 


One of my favorite memories will always stay with me. When my sister and my brother in law got married almost two years ago, I watched as my Nan and Pop danced together, and it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. 


I love you Nan, and I will miss you every day. I can't wait to see you again you crazy old bat, and until that day, you're in my thoughts and prayers.  <3