Playing it Straight, How I keep my job.

My voice isn't heard in the din of the teacher's lounge. I'm 1 of 10, surrounded by professionals who know nothing about me. They don't know my secret, the one thing that must remain hidden if I am to make my career successful. I must guard my one secret and close in on myself. It is for my own protection. But also to protect my students. This is for the best.

Those are the notes I made to myself during my lunch hour earlier this week. I can't even begin to explain what it's like to sit in a lunchroom with people I know and respect and have to hide large portions of who I am. I live in a state where I can lose my job because of who I am and who I love. I work in a field where being different, being who I am is not accepted. 

I sat in the lounge today and listened to my colleagues talk about a family with two mothers. And I found it to be interesting when two of them immediately followed their statements up with "But I have no problem with it." Were they making sure that the other teachers knew they were accepting or were they just trying to cover their asses? 

No one I'm working with in the school know that I'm gay. And honestly, no one can know.  There is no legal protection for me when it comes to my employment. More than that, I'm currently working in a fairly conservative rural district, where if my sexuality were to be known parents would likely be lining up to complain about me. More than likely I wouldn't be allowed to coach track because parents would have concerns over their child's safety.

Every day I set foot in that building I am forced to lie about who I am. It wears upon my soul. I hate lying, and I especially hate lying to my students. I hate lying to my colleagues. I'd like to be able to call some of these people my friends, but how can we be friends when I can't be myself?

I'm lying every day I set foot in that building, and I'm afraid I'm going to be lying every day I go to work for the next 35 years. The sad thing is that my need to lie, to hide who I am, is affecting more than just my current situation. And I'm sure this will sound insane to the 5 or so of you reading this, but as long as I have to lie about who I am to keep my job, I can't see myself having a relationship. My friends don't understand this, but I'll explain it to the best of my ability.

Every day I'm in the classroom I share parts of my life and my history with my students. It build a relationship and helps make connections. Over the course of a school year students and teachers end up learning a lot about each other. Students know about their teachers families, their kids, their lives and the things that fill up their spare time. Right now it's easy, because I don't have to lie. When my kids ask if I'm single I don't have to lie and say no, because they can't know if I have a girlfriend. When kids ask if I'm married, I can just say no. I'm sure this isn't making a lot of sense to anyone but me. But i don't want to have to lie to my students any more than necessary. But it's more than that.

If I'm with someone, if I have someone I love, someone I want to spend the rest of my life with... I don't want to have to hide that. I don't want to have to lie and hide that I'm in a relationship, that I'm with someone who makes me happy. It's not fair to my hypothetical significant other to have to be hidden because of my professional life. It's not fair to my hypothetical future children, and it's not fair to me. I guess following my logic the only way to be fair to myself, my students and any woman that I might love in the future is to not allow myself to have a relationship, to not have love. I know, it sounds crazy. 

But maybe dedicating my life to educating kids and doing my best to protect them is worth it?  I hope it is anyway.