I think I'm terrified of love. I'm terrified that I'll never really be loved by anyone, I'm terrified I'll never be loved at all and I'm terrified that if I really let myself love and be loved I'll only end up broken hearted. Instead I use my family, my job, my sexuality and my own appearance as reasons to justify why I can never be loved, never have a real relationship.
But what it all really comes down to is that I'm terrified. I'm terrified I'll never be able to find someone who can love me for who I am. I'll never find someone who thinks I'm beautiful, who finds my nerdiness endearing, or who knows my little habits.
I shrug a lot. But who understands why?
I can't sleep during thunderstorms. I panic if I don't have my necklace. I almost always have bruises on my shoulders. I mute certain parts of movies and tv episodes. I don't go to church. I sleep with my phone under my pillow and on vibrate.
And all I really want is someone who will want to understand why I do them.
I define love as wanting to know a person completely, of being able to sit with a person and having a million things to say after 40 years together, but not needing to say a word. I see love as wanting to fall asleep and wanting to wake up with the same person next to you every day for a thousand years. It's wanting to walk hand in had through the park and being there, every day, when they're on top of the world or being smashed under it. Love is not asking someone to change but in accepting them for who they are. Love is magic, it's the north star, what you aim for.
And it terrifies the hell out of me.
@megshensley: it's a pit of your stomach can't breathe heart palpitation always dreaming situation. When you picture your future they're in it.
@TtownAmstaff: I always felt like w/romantic love it's not something you can really define, you just sort of know it, you feel it or you don't
@AmandaKirchner : as for love, le sigh, if something good happens whose the first person u wanna tell? That's usually the one u love the most.
@MormonLesbian: I'm too sassy right now. Everything I thought of was followed by me thinking, "That's not love; that's an erection," haha
I will add here that true love in all it's forms from friendship to family to that relationship is pain. It's painful to be in it. It's painful to lose it. If you aren't in some kind of pain it's not love.
ReplyDeleteIt is terrifying.. to be in it, and terrifying to think about possibly losing it. But I think if you're lucky, you realize why the thought of losing it is so terrifying and when you find it, you hold on and fight like hell to keep it.. because love is the closest thing to magic I've ever experienced. It's the highs, it's the lows, it can heal, and it makes you see everything as if it's coated in sparkles and fairy dust. :) Anyway.. enough of the sap from me.. your blog made me tear up so I may have just reverted to childhood a little with the fairy dust thing.. -ahem- don't judge me, just say "it's ok sunshine." and smile and nod, hahaha.
ReplyDelete