Who I am

So here's the thing about who I am... in order to understand who I am now you have to understand who I was 10 years ago, even who I was 7 years ago, right on up to who I was 4 years ago.

10 years ago I was 15, I was young and stupid. And frankly I was willing to do what I thought was necessary to get people to like me. I went to school in a suburban community where everyone was Christian, Straight and Conservative. At the time I was only one of the three. I dated boys, hide my attraction for girls and tried not to voice how differently I saw the world from everyone else. I did everything I could to be what people expected of me, and I never did anything to make me the person I wanted to be.

I was young and stupid, let's just emphasis this. And I'm not saying everyone who is young is stupid, or that everyone who is stupid is young, but rather that I was both. I got involved with relationships I should have, I got in situations I shouldn't have. And I adjusted, so when people told me things were my fault, I accepted the blame. When people told me I should be sorry, I was. When people told me I was a screw up, I was worthless, I wasn't worth the air I breathe, I believed them. And ... frankly, I still believe them, but you have something beaten into your head often enough and by enough people over the years, then you come to believe the things they say they are true.

So now, I apologize, I accept blame, and I believe what they said. I have problems taking some jokes because they hit close to home. I have problems being told that I'm screwing things up, because of how true it is. I accept the blame for things that are in no way my fault, because I've been taught that it is my fault, no matter what. I believe I'm not worth caring about, I believe I'm not worth worrying about, I believe I'm not worth loving.

In my attempts to be who I was expected to be, I had to hide who I was, and I hide it with cuts and bruises. And honestly, I didn't even try to hide it. There are still faint scars, but I've never tried to hide them, because no one has ever noticed. No one ever looked. Admittedly I was smart about it, I didn't use a blade at the time, but fingernails can be sharp, and there were weeks where my arms were covered in crescent shaped cuts, but no one noticed. And when no one notices, when no one says it's a bad idea, then maybe it's not a bad thing. And so I didn't stop.

Seven years ago, I was 18 and I thought, for the first time in my life life that I knew what love was. I was wrong, I know that now. But at the time I thought it was love, I thought I'd found forever. I was young. She was my first girlfriend, she was my first at a lot of things. And for the first time in my life I knew what it meant to put myself in front of a blade for someone. I did exactly that.

This girl... who I absolutely adored, she showed me how much she was interested in me by carving my initials into her ankle and surrounded that with a heart. She did this before we even started dating, so maybe I should have run, but instead I had this overwhelming need to protect her, to care for her, to keep her safe. So as months progressed, I became her canvas. When she wanted to hurt herself, I asked her to hurt me instead. When she needed to get her aggression out, I was her punching bag. When she needed to feel, I was there to give her what I could. I did the best I could to be what she needed. And in the process I lost the parts of myself I had started to find.

Most vividly I remember one night, lying topless on her bathroom floor, on my stomach. I remember the weight of her as she straddled my hips and I remember the feel of the razor blade on my back. I remember the pain as she carved her initials into my skin. I remember thinking that I was protecting her.

About this time I had quit cutting myself, because I needed to be strong, and she needed to mar my skin more than I did. Instead I settled for punishing myself. I had this mental list of things I would do as punishment for anything I thought I had done wrong. After all, things were my fault and how would I learn from it otherwise. So if I said the wrong thing, if I broke a promise, if I did something that for anyone seemed wrong to me, then I made sure I learned not to do it again.

If I needed to, I had a list of things I could resort to. Some were as simple as leaving the window open in the middle of winter, hiding my own blankets and making myself freeze during the night. If I repeatedly annoyed myself I could and would bang my knee repeatedly against the edge of my desk until bruises formed and I could barely walk. Other options included not allowing myself to eat, turning the water on the shower all the way up and burning my bag, or one of a hundred other things. At the time I thought it was a better alternative, I wasn't generally causing myself to bleed, so it had to have been better than cutting.

Four years ago, I was 21, and that May I lost a friend who was very close to my heart. Frankly it's a pain I still feel, but I didn't know how to cope. So I did the stupid things, I maxed out my credit cards and spent all my savings on the things that would make me feel better in the short time (hello awesome collection of action figures) and I did the things that made me feel better at the time. I remembered her as best I could. So when I felt sad, I carved a "K" into my arm, I remembered her when I looked at my skin and I felt better. I clung to her memories and I clung to the person she thought I was. And I clung to that scar on my arm. When it faded 6 months later I wanted to redo it. And now, we're approaching the 4 year anniversary, and I'm contemplating redoing it.

But all these things.... they're part of who I am, but they're mostly who I was. I recognize that I've not always been emotionally or mentally stable. Hell, I'll flat out admit that I'm crazy. But these things... they make me who I am today. I still apologize, I still blame myself for thigns that aren't my fault and I still shirk away from some jokes and  I still punish myself on occasion for things I've done wrong that really bother me. I still carry scars from myself and from others, both emotional and physical. I can't take compliments because I've been taught that there is nothing good about me, I can't stop apologizing because I've been taught it's all my fault. I put myself time and time again between my friends and their pain because it's my job and it's my duty to be the canvass, the punching bag, and the outlet. I can't be serious and I can't thing long term because in my head, all we have is the short term, and so help me I'm gonna be a goof ball, I'm gonna be a nerd, I'm gonna be silly and sometimes immature, because why ruin the short term for a long term that may never exist.

I might have cigarettes and razor blades in my pocket, but I'm not a threat to myself. I carry sharp pointy objects and sources of flame and cancer causing death sticks with me. The flame and death sticks are for the bad days, when I need to relax a little and escape. But they aren't a constant source of relief. And the sharp pointy objects... they remind me of who I was, and that I am stronger. Yes, some days my wrists still itch, but I'm better than that. I'm not going to open up a vein and let it all come out. I am stronger, but I'm still part of that person. So yes, I have razor blades around my room, but I'm not going to end my life. I won't do that to my friends, and I won't do that to my family, and I certainly won't do that to the friends that have become my family.

So really... this is why I am the person I am. These are my faults and flaws. That's who I was. I'm not even going to try and end this blog on any form of happy note, because I can't even find one. Except this... I'm not well. I'm not perfectly happy and I'm not perfectly healthy. But I'm stubborn and I have no health insurance and seeing a shrink isn't for me. But I rarely hurt myself anymore, and then it takes a lot to drive me to pain. I have my mental blocks, but I've gotten over some of it, and some of it I probably never will get past. But if you're like me... don't be. No one should be like me, find help, find friends, find those people that love you no matter what, and cling to them. You need them, more than you realize. Trust me.

- JR