The things I'll never do....

About two and a half months ago I met someone. She is.... amazing. And I love her. And miracle of miracles, she loves me. Which might seem quick to some people, and slow to others, but we found each other, and that amazes me every day. So for once, I'm not questioning it, I'm just... letting go, and taking things as they come. 

As most things tend to go, especially when it comes to my life, things aren't easy. We're miles apart... hours apart, sometimes it seems like we're worlds apart. And due to complications beyond either of our control, our contact is much more limited than anyone would prefer.... except perhaps those keeping us from each other. But the point is, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about her, about me, about my life, my career, and about the people and things that are important to me in my life. Which has led me to this list... a list of things I'll never do. Some of them are geared towards specific people, my girl, my best friend, my grandmother.... they're all here. And so are you.

1.  I will never forget you. 
2.  I will never ignore an email, or a comment, or a phone call.
3.  I will never push you to the side if you need my help.
4.  I will never stop being thankful for the people that read my blog.
5.  I will never stop loving my job.
6.  I will never sleep on the couch when you're angry with me, kick me in your sleep if you have to, but I will never not be by your side when you wake up, as long as I can help it.
7. I will never hate you for believing something different that me.
8. I will never get to tell you I'm sorry.
9. I will never stop learning.
10. I will never grow out of my love of Legos and Action Figures.
11. I will never stop writing.
12. I will never stop reading.
13. I will never stop being myself.
14. I will never be caught unprepared for zombies.
15. I will never willingly wake up before 5 a.m.
16. I will never stop regretting not being there when you died.
17. I will never be straight.
18. I will never tell you I hate you.
19. I will never stop making people laugh.
20. I will never stop being a pervert heart.
21. I will never stop being my Grandfather's grandaughter.
22. I will never stop dreaming of a beach, the sun, and the lake.
23. I will never stop being myself.
24. I will never stop thinking every person on this Earth is beautiful.
25. I will never forget my first Doctor. 
26. I will never stop being thankful for the people I have found in my life.
27. I will never stop loving my friends and my family.
28. I will never stop looking for new friends. 
29. I will never give up on you. 
30. I will never walk away when you need a hand to pull you up.
31. I will never turn away anyone who needs a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on.
32. I will never ignore someone who feels lost and alone.
33. I will never not be here. 
34. I will never forget the people I loved and lost. 
35. I will never forget those who left before their time. 
36. I will never be normal.
37. I will never dye my hair.
38. I will never give up on the good in people.
39. I will never stop trying to teach my self things.
40. I will never raise my fists against someone except in self defense.
41. I will never give up my love of Science Fiction.
42. I will never stop believing in love.
43. I will never write a three sentence blog.
44. I will never stop learning from the past.
45. I will never take being pain free for granted again.
46. I will never stop trusting people.
47. I will never wear a bikini.
48. I will never understand the world, but I will never stop trying.
49. I will never stop playing my video games.
50. I will never give up on any of you.

That's my list, what's yours? 
Thanks for reading folks.
- J

After a long absence ....

Hello my lovelies... I know it's been a dreadfully long time since I've posted, and I apologize. Long story short.... the past year has been hectic as all hell. To sum up, got a full time job in October, several instances of bad luck in April, house caught on fire in April, lived in two apartments and a hotel temporary. Now living in my own apartment, and I lost my job. All of which.... seems petty right now. The real reason I'm back after my long absence is to tell you all about someone I love with my whole heart. 

You see.... about 5 hours ago my grandmother passed away. 

Nan... well, I'm trying really hard to remember the good things, the happy moments, and not focus on how I saw her tonight. So, I hope you don't mind, but I think I'll share some of my stories tonight. 

One thing I'll always remembers is that Nan's hair never changed. I'm not saying it stayed in place, no, her hairstyle has been the same for the past 40 years. I remember I always sort of picked on her for it, we all kind of did. But it's always amusing to look at the old photos and see that really, her hair hasn't changed since the 70s.


Once when my little cousin Brittany was younger, maybe 3 or so, she was in visiting, and my sister and I were feeding her. And she had told us over and over she didn't like mustard. (We were having hot dogs or something) And I went to open the mustard, for the rest of us, and it was a brand new bottle, and somehow, squeezing the bottle or something, we shot mustard all over the ceiling and walls and ourselves.... Nan just looked at us like we were crazy for making a mess of her kitchen. (And Brittany, covered in mustard, looked at us and said "I like mustard now.") 


About two weeks ago I went to see Nan in the hospital, and I was texting a friend of mine while I sat in her room, and my crazy old Nan threw a box of tissues at me to get my attention. 


Nan and Pop have a miniature poodle, she's about 3 years old or so, named Lindy. Lindy has a toy monkey she loves. And Nan had made a song to sing with the monkey. "Monkey, monkey, dancing around, monkey, monkey, upside down." I remember watching Nan spin the monkey around and upside down while she sang the song to the dog. 


When my Aunt and Uncle bought Nan and Pop a giant 50" flat screen TV, Nan complained that it didn't work right. Because all it got was sports. But come college football season, Nan was right there yelling at the TV along with Pop when the Ohio State Buckeyes were playing. 


I remember Thanksgivings, Christmases, Birthdays. I remember summers playing in the backyard at the old house, and camping trips together. I remember hearing her say she loved me a thousand and one times. I remember that she was generous, always giving to people, especially my friends. I remember so many things.... and it's difficult to think that she won't be there for so many of the big moments yet to come in my life. She won't be at my wedding, and she won't be there when I have children. 


One of my favorite memories will always stay with me. When my sister and my brother in law got married almost two years ago, I watched as my Nan and Pop danced together, and it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. 


I love you Nan, and I will miss you every day. I can't wait to see you again you crazy old bat, and until that day, you're in my thoughts and prayers.  <3

From the mostly silent...

I'm never going to tell you to be someone, because that's who the world expects you to be. And I'm never going to tell you to follow a doctrine or a philosophy you don't believe in, because that's who your family expects you to be. I'm not going to tell you to marry a man, because you're a woman, and I'm not going to tell you to marry a woman, because you're a man. I'm a strong believer in doing what makes you happy, not just for your own sake, because your suffering, even if it is done silently, will still cause others to suffer.

I'm a believer in the self. In knowing yourself, in accepting yourself, in believing in yourself. I believe one person should never be the cause of your change, unless it is a change you see a need for.

I don't believe in accepting the opinion of the majority, simply because they are the majority. I'm never going to tell you that you should think as I do, because I am right. I'm never going to hate you. I'm never going to loathe you. I will never wish that you didn't exist. The world would not be as it is without your presence, no matter how little you think you matter.

Who you are, what you are, what you think.... it matters to me.

Despite what you might think, I care about who you are. I care about your well being. I care about your happiness. I wish nothing for you but the best.

My silence is not my lack of support, but my complete love and affection.

I wish you could hear these words in my voice, see them in my eyes, and read them in my heart. I wish for you to know that what I speak is my truth. I love you, whoever you, wherever you are, because you are you. I don't know if we'll ever meet, and I don't know if you'll ever know the person behind these words. But you, sitting out there, reading this... you're loved. You have my support, you will have my support. Do not allow yourself to fade into nonexistence. You are stronger than you think you know, and you have a stronger support system then you will ever realize.

I write these words for you. For all of you. Whoever you may be. Wherever you may be. I believe in you.

It's easier not to believe...

It's hard to believe in love. It's hard to believe that there is love out there for everyone, that someday we're all going to find that one someone who will make our heart beat faster and our lungs fail. On same days it's just easier to believe that love doesn't exist, that we're not destined for anyone, that love is just an illusion Disney taught us to believe in.

And some days, it's just easier to give up on love. It's easier to not believe, when you've been cheated on, left behind, broken hearted, abused or just used for sex. It's easier to not believe when you've fallen for the wrong person, the straight girl, the one who is too old, too young. Or when you've fallen for the one who is with someone else, the one who only wants to be friends, the one who will never be interested. It's easy to give up when you've felt your heart shatter once, it's easier to give up when your heart has shattered twice. The more you break, the easier it is to quit.

It doesn't get easier to put yourself back together, in fact, the more you shatter the harder it gets every time. And eventually... you just can't help but wonder if it's worth the effort to find all your pieces again. It gets too hard to hold back the tears, it gets too hard to open your eyes and believe that love is possible. So finally, you've got not choice but to give up.

Personally... I've always fallen for the women that were no good for me. I've fallen for the cheaters, the alcoholics, the drug addicts, the abusive (physically, mentally and emotionally). I've fallen for the straight girls, the women who only wanted sex, and even the ones who only wanted me for the presents I might buy them. I've fallen for the ones who are in relationships, and I've fallen for the ones who I will never be good enough for. And I've fallen harder for some of them then I have for others. Once or twice I even believed I found love, but I was wrong. I'm always wrong.

It doesn't get easier, it never gets easier. And... I love my friends, but they don't always help. Being told I'm amazing, or that I'd make a wonderful girlfriend... the only thing that leaves in my mind is why does no one else see it then? And it's hard to believe their words when the only people that see it are the people that will never look at me in the way I wish they would. I can't count the number of times my friends have told me that I deserve love, that I'm an amazing catch and that any woman would be lucky to have me. And every time I can't help but disagree, to argue with them in my head, if not aloud, because obviously no one sees it but them.

I love my friends, but their belief that I'm worth loving, that I'm amazing, simply makes it harder for me to believe in myself. The more they believe in me, the harder it is to believe in love. And then... it just gets easier and easier to believe that love doesn't exist or that I'm not meant for it.

I'm not sure that there's a point to this post really... I suppose I just needed an opportunity to clear my head a bit after the recent weeks. But for those of you that sat through and read my mental and heartbroken ramble... thanks.

- J

The Legacy of Literature

I've been absent for the past two months for which I apologize, but more about that later. For the moment, I want to focus on a thought that has been circling my head for the past week or so.

In October of 1999 I was celebrating my fourteenth birthday along with my twin sister. I honestly don't remember much about the party or the celebrations in general. But I do remember, distinctly, a gift my sister and I were given. A mutual friend of ours gave us two books, the first and second in a series that I was unfamiliar with, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

In the twelve years since I began reading the books there have been a series of moments that have shaped my memories and my actions. I remember vividly, going to book releases at midnight and staying up until five or six in the morning, just to read the whole book before I fell asleep. I remember midnight showings of the movies, with friends carrying homemade wands and sneaking in homemade butterbeer. I remember a Harry Potter themed party, where everyone wore a costume (I was the Sorting Hat, complete with song) and participated in games that echoed the challenges of the TriWizard Tournament.I remember hours spent in discussion on the differences between the books and the movies, which characters were more badass, and which houses we belonged in. In short, I have thousands of memories centered around the world and adventures of Harry Potter.

Like many of us have in the past week, I've dealt with the revelation that the series I have come to love and adore is finally coming to an end. But the end has brought with it some serious reflection on the role of literature in my life.

I've always surrounded myself by books, in fact, if you know me, you know that my personal library fills numerous bookshelves around my room, and even more boxes stored around my house. When I last counted I owned over 700 books, and that number continues to rise. I surround myself in literature, in the fictional words that I have longed to belong to since I was a kid.

In my mind, I have wandered the halls of Hogwarts, I have explored the country of Narnia, I've wandered the Hundred Acre Wood and I've ridden on the backs of dragons over the land of Pern. Beyond that, I've sailed the high seas in search of buried treasure, I've seen the improbability drive at work, I've crossed blades with Inigo Montoya, and I've hunted Dracula. These are the worlds that I can quote and picture with no effort. When I allow my mind to sit in silence, it is the words these books have etched into my mind that surface. I can remember the details of the characters, of their lives and of their worlds more clearly then I can remember what I wore yesterday. In many ways, their worlds have become mine.

Literature has shaped my life, it is because of these books and of these worlds that I went on to get a Bachelor's Degree in English Literature. It is because of these books and of these worlds that I got my license to teach Middle School Language Arts. It is because of these books and of these worlds that I have been collecting books to furnish my classroom with since before I even started my teaching program. It is because of these books and of these worlds that I am already collecting books and stories to read to my children and my nieces and nephews.

I understand the importance of reading in the lives of children. I understand how reading not only encourages mental growth, but provides a retreat, a world away from that which we inhabit, a world where we can be someone different. I took refuse in these worlds as a child and I still do. I hope that I can encourage my students and younger generations of my family to read, to take solace in the books that I love and in the worlds that will strengthen their minds and their hearts.

I suppose it's only appropriate that I finish this post with a list of the books that changed my life, maybe some of them will affect you the way they have me.

Harry Potter (Books 1-7) J.K. Rowling
The Chronicles of Narnia C.S. Lewis
Winnie the Pooh A.A. Milne
The Dragonriders of Pern Series Anne McCaffrey
Treasure Island Robert Louis Stevenson
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Douglas Adams
The Princess Bride William Goldman
The Historian Elizabeth Kostova
(and those are just the ones I mentioned above)

Fragment Warren Fahy
The Once and Future King T.H. White
The Dark Lord of Derkholm Dianna Wynne Jones
The Boxcar Children Series Ann M. Martin
Animal Farm George Orwell
Of Mice and Men John Steinbeck 
Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe Fannie Flagg
A Midsummer Night's Dream William Shakespeare

And that's just a small list of the books that have changed my life in some way shape or form. What pieces of literature of shaped your life?

Girlfriend Wanted: Apply Within

 So, I've decided to put out an application for a potential girlfriend. I was going to fill this space in with the general details of me, so you know, you'd know who you were applying to be in a relationship with. But... my blog is pretty much a lot about me, so if you need to know who I am, that's what the rest of the blog is for.

Girlfriend Application:

General Information & Contact Information:

Name: __________________________________________________________________

Age:_______ Birthdate:__________ Location:___________________________________

Occupation:_________________________ Sexual Orientation:_____________________

Level of Education:_________________________ Email:_________________________

Tumblr:_______________ Twitter:_________________ Blog:_____________________

Interests:

Favorite Books:___________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Favorite Poems:___________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Favorite Authors:__________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

Favorite Movies:__________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Favorite TV Shows:________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Favorite Music:____________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Hobbies:_________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Other Interests:____________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Please rate your interest levels on the following activities/things on a scale of 1-5. (1 being you couldn't care less, 5 being it's the most awesome thing since sliced bread)

Camping:_____________

Writing:______________

Reading:______________

Animals:______________

History:_______________

Literature:_____________

Dogs:_________________

Cats:_________________

Comics:_______________

Video Games:__________

Softball:_______________

Swimming:_____________

Star Wars:_____________

Star Trek:_____________

Elephants:_____________

Dragons:______________


Relationships:

Do you have any children/pets?________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

How do you feel about family?_________________________________________________


__________________________________________________________________________

What are your religious beliefs?_________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

What are your political views?__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

Why did your last relationship end?______________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

What do you bring to a relationship?_____________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

What are your strengths?______________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

What are your weaknesses?___________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

Describe yourself in 5 words:__________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Anything else I should know?_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________


References:

Please supply three references.


Name:_____________________________________ Relationship:____________________


Email Address:____________________________ Phone Number: ___________________


How long have you known this individual?_______________________________________


Name:_____________________________________ Relationship:____________________


Email Address:____________________________ Phone Number: ___________________


How long have you known this individual?_______________________________________



Name:______________________________________ Relationship:____________________


Email Address:_____________________________ Phone Number: ___________________


How long have you known this individual?________________________________________


Thank you for your interest in the position of my girlfriend. If there are any additional documents, resumes and/or letters of reference you'd like to include please attach them separately. If you have any questions please let me know. Again, thank you for your interest in the position.

Sincerely,

J.R.

Trust Issues

This isn't the blog I intended to write. In fact, I'm writing it from my phone so it's likely to be chock full of grammar issues. But I was sitting in the den thinking about some things and I realized that maybe for my own mental health, this was a blog I needed to write. 


I don't trust people. I mean yes, someone will tell me something about their life and I'll believe them. But I don't trust people with my heart or my emotions. The majority of the time I don't even trust people to be my friends. And that, I think, is one of my greatest problems. 

I realize that yes, many people have trust issues, many people have been let down in the past, but personally that's a hard thing for me to get over. In fact I'm not sure I ever really get over it. 

I don't make promises. I don't make promises be because I know how much it can hurt to have them broken. My past is riddled with ex-girlfriends and former friends who made promises only to turn around and break them without a second thought. Because of that... I don't make promises. Because of that... If you make me a promise, I won't believe it. After 15 years those promises have become just simple words. And I won't trust you to keep that promise. 

But it's still more than that. Only now, this far into my life am I starting to see that some friendships might actually last more than 2 years. But the thing is... I don't expect them to. I expect people to be in my life for a few months before they decide to cut in run. I prepare myself for what I see as an inevitability. So I do what I can to stay distant. I try to avoid offering up too much of myself and I try to avoid opening up too much of my heart. I don't trust you not to break me. 

Because of this... Because I've been broken, because people really don't stick around in my life, I'm likely to do what I can to keep my heart and emotions separate. I do what I can to keep myself from becoming accustomed to your presence. I do what I can to protect myself. If I come to depend on you, to lean on you, if I trust you with my secrets and even my fears, if I start to believe that you might actually be there for me -every day, or even 5 years from now- and you're not? That will break me. 

So I do things to protect myself.  I try and take breaks from twitter, I try to keep myself from getting too used to talking to the same people everyday. I get up in the mornings and I'll refuse to text anyone because I don't want to get into a habit of having those people there for me to talk to. I do what I can to keep my heart distant. Just because I'm used to the pain doesn't mean I'll encourage it. 

I've talked before about how I sabotage my relationships. I'm just as guilty of sabotaging friendships. I expect to be lied to.  I expect to be disappointed. I expect to be let down by the people that claim my friends. Because of that... I push people away and I'll say things I shouldn't. After all, its not like anyone will stick around long enough to notice. 

So really... What it all comes down to is that I expect people to let me down. I expect people to not be there for me when  I really need them to be. And I expect people to walk out of my life. And the thing is, I've heard it all before. 

So yes, you can tell me you plan on sticking around for years. But I wont believe you. And you can tell me that i should text when I need to talk, or that I should call because you won't to talk to me. But I'll do my best to avoid doing that. Because I can't allow myself to get used to something that will just end up being ripped away from me. 

So at times I'm going to do things you might not like. I'm going to assume I'm bothering you. I'm going to assume that you'd be happier if I left you alone. In fact,  the majority of the time I'm probably just going to assume that you'd be a hell of a lot happier without me around to complicate your life. And yes, I'm well aware about what happens when you assume. 

So when an opportunity arises for you to cut and run from my life... I'm going to be surprised if you don't take it. And yes, I'm going to think that I'm a complication in your life that you don't need. And no more what you say, I'm probably not going to believe otherwise. 

Here's the other thing. If you tell me you're going to stick around. If you tell me you're not like everyone else. I'm not likely to believe you. Because those arguments... They're old and I've heard them all before. And the truth of the matter is... No one has done it yet. 

So let's face it... I have trust issues. 

-J