Trust Issues

This isn't the blog I intended to write. In fact, I'm writing it from my phone so it's likely to be chock full of grammar issues. But I was sitting in the den thinking about some things and I realized that maybe for my own mental health, this was a blog I needed to write. 


I don't trust people. I mean yes, someone will tell me something about their life and I'll believe them. But I don't trust people with my heart or my emotions. The majority of the time I don't even trust people to be my friends. And that, I think, is one of my greatest problems. 

I realize that yes, many people have trust issues, many people have been let down in the past, but personally that's a hard thing for me to get over. In fact I'm not sure I ever really get over it. 

I don't make promises. I don't make promises be because I know how much it can hurt to have them broken. My past is riddled with ex-girlfriends and former friends who made promises only to turn around and break them without a second thought. Because of that... I don't make promises. Because of that... If you make me a promise, I won't believe it. After 15 years those promises have become just simple words. And I won't trust you to keep that promise. 

But it's still more than that. Only now, this far into my life am I starting to see that some friendships might actually last more than 2 years. But the thing is... I don't expect them to. I expect people to be in my life for a few months before they decide to cut in run. I prepare myself for what I see as an inevitability. So I do what I can to stay distant. I try to avoid offering up too much of myself and I try to avoid opening up too much of my heart. I don't trust you not to break me. 

Because of this... Because I've been broken, because people really don't stick around in my life, I'm likely to do what I can to keep my heart and emotions separate. I do what I can to keep myself from becoming accustomed to your presence. I do what I can to protect myself. If I come to depend on you, to lean on you, if I trust you with my secrets and even my fears, if I start to believe that you might actually be there for me -every day, or even 5 years from now- and you're not? That will break me. 

So I do things to protect myself.  I try and take breaks from twitter, I try to keep myself from getting too used to talking to the same people everyday. I get up in the mornings and I'll refuse to text anyone because I don't want to get into a habit of having those people there for me to talk to. I do what I can to keep my heart distant. Just because I'm used to the pain doesn't mean I'll encourage it. 

I've talked before about how I sabotage my relationships. I'm just as guilty of sabotaging friendships. I expect to be lied to.  I expect to be disappointed. I expect to be let down by the people that claim my friends. Because of that... I push people away and I'll say things I shouldn't. After all, its not like anyone will stick around long enough to notice. 

So really... What it all comes down to is that I expect people to let me down. I expect people to not be there for me when  I really need them to be. And I expect people to walk out of my life. And the thing is, I've heard it all before. 

So yes, you can tell me you plan on sticking around for years. But I wont believe you. And you can tell me that i should text when I need to talk, or that I should call because you won't to talk to me. But I'll do my best to avoid doing that. Because I can't allow myself to get used to something that will just end up being ripped away from me. 

So at times I'm going to do things you might not like. I'm going to assume I'm bothering you. I'm going to assume that you'd be happier if I left you alone. In fact,  the majority of the time I'm probably just going to assume that you'd be a hell of a lot happier without me around to complicate your life. And yes, I'm well aware about what happens when you assume. 

So when an opportunity arises for you to cut and run from my life... I'm going to be surprised if you don't take it. And yes, I'm going to think that I'm a complication in your life that you don't need. And no more what you say, I'm probably not going to believe otherwise. 

Here's the other thing. If you tell me you're going to stick around. If you tell me you're not like everyone else. I'm not likely to believe you. Because those arguments... They're old and I've heard them all before. And the truth of the matter is... No one has done it yet. 

So let's face it... I have trust issues. 

-J