The Gays Saved My Life

So, no joke. The gays saved my life. Let me explain, because this story explains my strong fondness for gay men, and my sincere love of lesbians (which can be explained in a multitude of ways). 

I grew up in a relatively conservative town, went to an incredibly conservative high school of about 800. In my high school 98% of the students were white, and 0% of the population was openly gay. We've all heard about the people who say "Gays don't exist in our community." Well, that was my high school. Obviously it wasn't true, I was gay, and I had known it to some extent since I was 12. But it wasn't a safe situation for me to be anyone but who I was expected to be. That safe situation ended towards the conclusion of my freshman year of high school.  

I was young, please keep this in mind. During an AIM conversation with friends one night, someone I had seen as a very good friend, who I trusted with my life, made some very disparaging comments about Gays. I expressed my displeasure with her statement, in less than polite ways, and finished my rant about how I was bi, so apparently she meant all those things about me too. [Side note, I was 14, had not fully accepted how much I really liked girls and really didn't like boys.] The conversation ended there.

The following day when I arrived at school my former friend had printed out copies of our conversation, blacked out her screen name with sharpie, then wrote at the top of the page that it was my screen name on the paper. Those copies were then passed around the school. Well in my little 14 year old brain, that was the end of thing. For about a week I hid during my lunches, avoiding the cafeteria, avoiding the hallways, avoiding classes, avoiding everything I could. I tried to avoid people as much as I could, and I knew they were talking about me and I knew that my safety was no longer guaranteed in my school.

I came in the building one morning to find LESBIAN scrawled in red sharpie across my locker door. I overheard my softball teammates talking about me on the bus on our way to games, I overheard them complaining about sharing a locker room with me. My mother heard parents talking about me at softball games. My sister and my friends were questioned about me. My coaches, my teachers, my parents and the administration did nothing to protect me, did nothing to say it wasn't acceptable for me to feel threatened when I walked into the school in the morning.

A funny thing happened, something I never expected. My friends were still there for me. And everything about me died down. But for the rest of the time I was in high school I dated guys, and it never lasted or got very far (for what are now obvious reasons). There were still rumors about me every year, there were still people watching me suspiciously, there were still teammates that refused to change while I was in the locker room. 

In my four years at my high school I was the only student who was ever anything but straight. (I know now that's not true, as time has passed more and more of my classmates have come out of the closet and the numbers rise every year) But it was hell for me in a thousand different ways. I was alone, and like a lot of GLBT students and teens are I was depressed and suicide wasn't a rare thought for me. 

But then the Gays saved my life. 

My freshman year of college I found myself in an environment that was completely different from every situation I had ever known. I lived across the hall from guys, I shared a dorm with two girls I had never met, and I was away from home and essentially on my own. But most importantly, there were GAYS! I wasn't alone anymore. There was an amazing Gay guy who lived across the hall. And I sat behind this adorable little lesbian in my freshman Psychology class. And for the first time in my life, it was okay for me to be who I was. I could take part in the National Day of Silence with no worries about repercussions. I could stand up in a lineup with my friends during PRIDE week and wear rainbow bracelets and ribbons and not be afraid. 

It was okay to be different, it was okay for me to have a girlfriend, even if I couldn't tell me family about her. It was okay to be myself. And like it does for a lot of people, the thoughts about suicide faded away and I learned for the first time how to be happy in my own skin. They Gays I met in college, were the first I ever knew. I celebrated my freshman year by meeting my first series of Gay boys, my first lesbians, my first real girlfriend. So in many ways, in every way, the Gays saved my life that year. And for that I will always love them, and hold them dear to my heart.

It did get better, it does get better, it will get better.