What I should have said.

I've been trying to write this blog tonight for about an hour. But my mind has been bouncing all over the place with all the things I could say and I can't decide on a focus. 


The thing that is primarily standing out in my head is the speech I wish I had given my parents the first time I told them I was gay. (There were several times, most of which were followed by the statement "It's just a phase.... they were wrong.) But in the years since I have been editing, rethinking, wishing, revising and just wondering how I would do it all over again if I could, and it has come down to this. 


"Mom. Dad. I'm gay." Okay, that part is fairly standard, but it's what follows it that I wish I had thought of then.


"I'm still the same person I was five minutes ago. I'm still the same person I was five years ago. Nothing about me has changed. I'm still that girl who loves banana splits. I'm still that girl you took camping and kayaking. I'm still that girl who loves Star Wars and video games. I'm still me. I'm still your daughter. And I'll still be that girl tomorrow, and the day after that, and even the day after that."

That's what I wish I had said. But there's still more.

"I know how you raised me. And I know that maybe you're thinking that somewhere along the way something went wrong. But that's not true. You raised me to believe in the good in people. To respect myself, to respect others. You taught me to do what was right, no matter what the rest of the world was doing. You taught me to believe in myself, to believe that I could be who I was without fearing repercussions. And it's because of that, because of what you taught me, and how you raised me, that I can be who I am right now." 


I doubt it would have hurt anything if I'd told them how well they actually did raising me. 


I wish, I especially wish I had thought to include this next part.


"You raised me to believe in God, to believe in the church, to believe in an existence beyond that one. The God you taught me about was a loving one and I still believe in that God. But the church you taught me about, that you raised me in, it no longer exists. That church kicked me out and I'm glad for it. i have faith and I have my beliefs, but I don't have a religion, I don't have a church. I can't believe in a god that would condemn me for love. Everything you've taught me, everything the church has taught me, is that love is the most powerful idea, element, emotion, that exists. I will not sacrifice that belief." 


I wish I had said all of that. But mostly, I wish I had said this last part. 


"No matter how you feel about me. No matter how you see me. I am still now, and always will be the girl you raised. You have given me life, you have given me love, you have given me everything I could ever have asked for. I'm not asking you to support me. I'm not asking you to stand out there waving rainbow flags. I'm just asking for you to love me, because I'm the same person I've always been. I love you." 


That's what I wish I had said. 

Friend of mine sent me a link to this, thought it went well with tonight's blog and I agree with her, so I thought I'd share it with the rest of you.