I'm never going to tell you to be someone, because that's who the world expects you to be. And I'm never going to tell you to follow a doctrine or a philosophy you don't believe in, because that's who your family expects you to be. I'm not going to tell you to marry a man, because you're a woman, and I'm not going to tell you to marry a woman, because you're a man. I'm a strong believer in doing what makes you happy, not just for your own sake, because your suffering, even if it is done silently, will still cause others to suffer.
I'm a believer in the self. In knowing yourself, in accepting yourself, in believing in yourself. I believe one person should never be the cause of your change, unless it is a change you see a need for.
I don't believe in accepting the opinion of the majority, simply because they are the majority. I'm never going to tell you that you should think as I do, because I am right. I'm never going to hate you. I'm never going to loathe you. I will never wish that you didn't exist. The world would not be as it is without your presence, no matter how little you think you matter.
Who you are, what you are, what you think.... it matters to me.
Despite what you might think, I care about who you are. I care about your well being. I care about your happiness. I wish nothing for you but the best.
My silence is not my lack of support, but my complete love and affection.
I wish you could hear these words in my voice, see them in my eyes, and read them in my heart. I wish for you to know that what I speak is my truth. I love you, whoever you, wherever you are, because you are you. I don't know if we'll ever meet, and I don't know if you'll ever know the person behind these words. But you, sitting out there, reading this... you're loved. You have my support, you will have my support. Do not allow yourself to fade into nonexistence. You are stronger than you think you know, and you have a stronger support system then you will ever realize.
I write these words for you. For all of you. Whoever you may be. Wherever you may be. I believe in you.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
It's easier not to believe...
It's hard to believe in love. It's hard to believe that there is love out there for everyone, that someday we're all going to find that one someone who will make our heart beat faster and our lungs fail. On same days it's just easier to believe that love doesn't exist, that we're not destined for anyone, that love is just an illusion Disney taught us to believe in.
And some days, it's just easier to give up on love. It's easier to not believe, when you've been cheated on, left behind, broken hearted, abused or just used for sex. It's easier to not believe when you've fallen for the wrong person, the straight girl, the one who is too old, too young. Or when you've fallen for the one who is with someone else, the one who only wants to be friends, the one who will never be interested. It's easy to give up when you've felt your heart shatter once, it's easier to give up when your heart has shattered twice. The more you break, the easier it is to quit.
It doesn't get easier to put yourself back together, in fact, the more you shatter the harder it gets every time. And eventually... you just can't help but wonder if it's worth the effort to find all your pieces again. It gets too hard to hold back the tears, it gets too hard to open your eyes and believe that love is possible. So finally, you've got not choice but to give up.
Personally... I've always fallen for the women that were no good for me. I've fallen for the cheaters, the alcoholics, the drug addicts, the abusive (physically, mentally and emotionally). I've fallen for the straight girls, the women who only wanted sex, and even the ones who only wanted me for the presents I might buy them. I've fallen for the ones who are in relationships, and I've fallen for the ones who I will never be good enough for. And I've fallen harder for some of them then I have for others. Once or twice I even believed I found love, but I was wrong. I'm always wrong.
It doesn't get easier, it never gets easier. And... I love my friends, but they don't always help. Being told I'm amazing, or that I'd make a wonderful girlfriend... the only thing that leaves in my mind is why does no one else see it then? And it's hard to believe their words when the only people that see it are the people that will never look at me in the way I wish they would. I can't count the number of times my friends have told me that I deserve love, that I'm an amazing catch and that any woman would be lucky to have me. And every time I can't help but disagree, to argue with them in my head, if not aloud, because obviously no one sees it but them.
I love my friends, but their belief that I'm worth loving, that I'm amazing, simply makes it harder for me to believe in myself. The more they believe in me, the harder it is to believe in love. And then... it just gets easier and easier to believe that love doesn't exist or that I'm not meant for it.
I'm not sure that there's a point to this post really... I suppose I just needed an opportunity to clear my head a bit after the recent weeks. But for those of you that sat through and read my mental and heartbroken ramble... thanks.
- J
And some days, it's just easier to give up on love. It's easier to not believe, when you've been cheated on, left behind, broken hearted, abused or just used for sex. It's easier to not believe when you've fallen for the wrong person, the straight girl, the one who is too old, too young. Or when you've fallen for the one who is with someone else, the one who only wants to be friends, the one who will never be interested. It's easy to give up when you've felt your heart shatter once, it's easier to give up when your heart has shattered twice. The more you break, the easier it is to quit.
It doesn't get easier to put yourself back together, in fact, the more you shatter the harder it gets every time. And eventually... you just can't help but wonder if it's worth the effort to find all your pieces again. It gets too hard to hold back the tears, it gets too hard to open your eyes and believe that love is possible. So finally, you've got not choice but to give up.
Personally... I've always fallen for the women that were no good for me. I've fallen for the cheaters, the alcoholics, the drug addicts, the abusive (physically, mentally and emotionally). I've fallen for the straight girls, the women who only wanted sex, and even the ones who only wanted me for the presents I might buy them. I've fallen for the ones who are in relationships, and I've fallen for the ones who I will never be good enough for. And I've fallen harder for some of them then I have for others. Once or twice I even believed I found love, but I was wrong. I'm always wrong.
It doesn't get easier, it never gets easier. And... I love my friends, but they don't always help. Being told I'm amazing, or that I'd make a wonderful girlfriend... the only thing that leaves in my mind is why does no one else see it then? And it's hard to believe their words when the only people that see it are the people that will never look at me in the way I wish they would. I can't count the number of times my friends have told me that I deserve love, that I'm an amazing catch and that any woman would be lucky to have me. And every time I can't help but disagree, to argue with them in my head, if not aloud, because obviously no one sees it but them.
I love my friends, but their belief that I'm worth loving, that I'm amazing, simply makes it harder for me to believe in myself. The more they believe in me, the harder it is to believe in love. And then... it just gets easier and easier to believe that love doesn't exist or that I'm not meant for it.
I'm not sure that there's a point to this post really... I suppose I just needed an opportunity to clear my head a bit after the recent weeks. But for those of you that sat through and read my mental and heartbroken ramble... thanks.
- J
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The Legacy of Literature
I've been absent for the past two months for which I apologize, but more about that later. For the moment, I want to focus on a thought that has been circling my head for the past week or so.
In October of 1999 I was celebrating my fourteenth birthday along with my twin sister. I honestly don't remember much about the party or the celebrations in general. But I do remember, distinctly, a gift my sister and I were given. A mutual friend of ours gave us two books, the first and second in a series that I was unfamiliar with, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
In the twelve years since I began reading the books there have been a series of moments that have shaped my memories and my actions. I remember vividly, going to book releases at midnight and staying up until five or six in the morning, just to read the whole book before I fell asleep. I remember midnight showings of the movies, with friends carrying homemade wands and sneaking in homemade butterbeer. I remember a Harry Potter themed party, where everyone wore a costume (I was the Sorting Hat, complete with song) and participated in games that echoed the challenges of the TriWizard Tournament.I remember hours spent in discussion on the differences between the books and the movies, which characters were more badass, and which houses we belonged in. In short, I have thousands of memories centered around the world and adventures of Harry Potter.
Like many of us have in the past week, I've dealt with the revelation that the series I have come to love and adore is finally coming to an end. But the end has brought with it some serious reflection on the role of literature in my life.
I've always surrounded myself by books, in fact, if you know me, you know that my personal library fills numerous bookshelves around my room, and even more boxes stored around my house. When I last counted I owned over 700 books, and that number continues to rise. I surround myself in literature, in the fictional words that I have longed to belong to since I was a kid.
In my mind, I have wandered the halls of Hogwarts, I have explored the country of Narnia, I've wandered the Hundred Acre Wood and I've ridden on the backs of dragons over the land of Pern. Beyond that, I've sailed the high seas in search of buried treasure, I've seen the improbability drive at work, I've crossed blades with Inigo Montoya, and I've hunted Dracula. These are the worlds that I can quote and picture with no effort. When I allow my mind to sit in silence, it is the words these books have etched into my mind that surface. I can remember the details of the characters, of their lives and of their worlds more clearly then I can remember what I wore yesterday. In many ways, their worlds have become mine.
Literature has shaped my life, it is because of these books and of these worlds that I went on to get a Bachelor's Degree in English Literature. It is because of these books and of these worlds that I got my license to teach Middle School Language Arts. It is because of these books and of these worlds that I have been collecting books to furnish my classroom with since before I even started my teaching program. It is because of these books and of these worlds that I am already collecting books and stories to read to my children and my nieces and nephews.
I understand the importance of reading in the lives of children. I understand how reading not only encourages mental growth, but provides a retreat, a world away from that which we inhabit, a world where we can be someone different. I took refuse in these worlds as a child and I still do. I hope that I can encourage my students and younger generations of my family to read, to take solace in the books that I love and in the worlds that will strengthen their minds and their hearts.
I suppose it's only appropriate that I finish this post with a list of the books that changed my life, maybe some of them will affect you the way they have me.
Harry Potter (Books 1-7) J.K. Rowling
The Chronicles of Narnia C.S. Lewis
Winnie the Pooh A.A. Milne
The Dragonriders of Pern Series Anne McCaffrey
Treasure Island Robert Louis Stevenson
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Douglas Adams
The Princess Bride William Goldman
The Historian Elizabeth Kostova
(and those are just the ones I mentioned above)
Fragment Warren Fahy
The Once and Future King T.H. White
The Dark Lord of Derkholm Dianna Wynne Jones
The Boxcar Children Series Ann M. Martin
Animal Farm George Orwell
Of Mice and Men John Steinbeck
Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe Fannie Flagg
A Midsummer Night's Dream William Shakespeare
And that's just a small list of the books that have changed my life in some way shape or form. What pieces of literature of shaped your life?
In October of 1999 I was celebrating my fourteenth birthday along with my twin sister. I honestly don't remember much about the party or the celebrations in general. But I do remember, distinctly, a gift my sister and I were given. A mutual friend of ours gave us two books, the first and second in a series that I was unfamiliar with, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
In the twelve years since I began reading the books there have been a series of moments that have shaped my memories and my actions. I remember vividly, going to book releases at midnight and staying up until five or six in the morning, just to read the whole book before I fell asleep. I remember midnight showings of the movies, with friends carrying homemade wands and sneaking in homemade butterbeer. I remember a Harry Potter themed party, where everyone wore a costume (I was the Sorting Hat, complete with song) and participated in games that echoed the challenges of the TriWizard Tournament.I remember hours spent in discussion on the differences between the books and the movies, which characters were more badass, and which houses we belonged in. In short, I have thousands of memories centered around the world and adventures of Harry Potter.
Like many of us have in the past week, I've dealt with the revelation that the series I have come to love and adore is finally coming to an end. But the end has brought with it some serious reflection on the role of literature in my life.
I've always surrounded myself by books, in fact, if you know me, you know that my personal library fills numerous bookshelves around my room, and even more boxes stored around my house. When I last counted I owned over 700 books, and that number continues to rise. I surround myself in literature, in the fictional words that I have longed to belong to since I was a kid.
In my mind, I have wandered the halls of Hogwarts, I have explored the country of Narnia, I've wandered the Hundred Acre Wood and I've ridden on the backs of dragons over the land of Pern. Beyond that, I've sailed the high seas in search of buried treasure, I've seen the improbability drive at work, I've crossed blades with Inigo Montoya, and I've hunted Dracula. These are the worlds that I can quote and picture with no effort. When I allow my mind to sit in silence, it is the words these books have etched into my mind that surface. I can remember the details of the characters, of their lives and of their worlds more clearly then I can remember what I wore yesterday. In many ways, their worlds have become mine.
Literature has shaped my life, it is because of these books and of these worlds that I went on to get a Bachelor's Degree in English Literature. It is because of these books and of these worlds that I got my license to teach Middle School Language Arts. It is because of these books and of these worlds that I have been collecting books to furnish my classroom with since before I even started my teaching program. It is because of these books and of these worlds that I am already collecting books and stories to read to my children and my nieces and nephews.
I understand the importance of reading in the lives of children. I understand how reading not only encourages mental growth, but provides a retreat, a world away from that which we inhabit, a world where we can be someone different. I took refuse in these worlds as a child and I still do. I hope that I can encourage my students and younger generations of my family to read, to take solace in the books that I love and in the worlds that will strengthen their minds and their hearts.
I suppose it's only appropriate that I finish this post with a list of the books that changed my life, maybe some of them will affect you the way they have me.
Harry Potter (Books 1-7) J.K. Rowling
The Chronicles of Narnia C.S. Lewis
Winnie the Pooh A.A. Milne
The Dragonriders of Pern Series Anne McCaffrey
Treasure Island Robert Louis Stevenson
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Douglas Adams
The Princess Bride William Goldman
The Historian Elizabeth Kostova
(and those are just the ones I mentioned above)
Fragment Warren Fahy
The Once and Future King T.H. White
The Dark Lord of Derkholm Dianna Wynne Jones
The Boxcar Children Series Ann M. Martin
Animal Farm George Orwell
Of Mice and Men John Steinbeck
Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe Fannie Flagg
A Midsummer Night's Dream William Shakespeare
And that's just a small list of the books that have changed my life in some way shape or form. What pieces of literature of shaped your life?
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Girlfriend Wanted: Apply Within
So, I've decided to put out an application for a potential girlfriend. I was going to fill this space in with the general details of me, so you know, you'd know who you were applying to be in a relationship with. But... my blog is pretty much a lot about me, so if you need to know who I am, that's what the rest of the blog is for.
Girlfriend Application:
General Information & Contact Information:
Name: __________________________________________________________________
Age:_______ Birthdate:__________ Location:___________________________________
Occupation:_________________________ Sexual Orientation:_____________________
Level of Education:_________________________ Email:_________________________
Tumblr:_______________ Twitter:_________________ Blog:_____________________
Interests:
Favorite Books:___________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Favorite Poems:___________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Favorite Authors:__________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
Favorite Movies:__________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Favorite TV Shows:________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
Favorite Music:____________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Hobbies:_________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Other Interests:____________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
Please rate your interest levels on the following activities/things on a scale of 1-5. (1 being you couldn't care less, 5 being it's the most awesome thing since sliced bread)
Camping:_____________
Writing:______________
Reading:______________
Animals:______________
History:_______________
Literature:_____________
Dogs:_________________
Cats:_________________
Comics:_______________
Video Games:__________
Softball:_______________
Swimming:_____________
Star Wars:_____________
Star Trek:_____________
Elephants:_____________
Dragons:______________
Relationships:
Do you have any children/pets?________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
How do you feel about family?_________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
What are your religious beliefs?_________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
What are your political views?__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
Why did your last relationship end?______________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
What do you bring to a relationship?_____________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
What are your strengths?______________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
What are your weaknesses?___________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
Describe yourself in 5 words:__________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
Anything else I should know?_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
References:
Please supply three references.
Name:_____________________________________ Relationship:____________________
Email Address:____________________________ Phone Number: ___________________
How long have you known this individual?_______________________________________
Name:_____________________________________ Relationship:____________________
Email Address:____________________________ Phone Number: ___________________
How long have you known this individual?_______________________________________
Name:______________________________________ Relationship:____________________
Email Address:_____________________________ Phone Number: ___________________
How long have you known this individual?________________________________________
Thank you for your interest in the position of my girlfriend. If there are any additional documents, resumes and/or letters of reference you'd like to include please attach them separately. If you have any questions please let me know. Again, thank you for your interest in the position.
Sincerely,
J.R.
Girlfriend Application:
General Information & Contact Information:
Name: __________________________________________________________________
Age:_______ Birthdate:__________ Location:___________________________________
Occupation:_________________________ Sexual Orientation:_____________________
Level of Education:_________________________ Email:_________________________
Tumblr:_______________ Twitter:_________________ Blog:_____________________
Interests:
Favorite Books:___________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Favorite Poems:___________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Favorite Authors:__________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
Favorite Movies:__________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Favorite TV Shows:________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
Favorite Music:____________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Hobbies:_________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Other Interests:____________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
Please rate your interest levels on the following activities/things on a scale of 1-5. (1 being you couldn't care less, 5 being it's the most awesome thing since sliced bread)
Camping:_____________
Writing:______________
Reading:______________
Animals:______________
History:_______________
Literature:_____________
Dogs:_________________
Cats:_________________
Comics:_______________
Video Games:__________
Softball:_______________
Swimming:_____________
Star Wars:_____________
Star Trek:_____________
Elephants:_____________
Dragons:______________
Relationships:
Do you have any children/pets?________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
How do you feel about family?_________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
What are your religious beliefs?_________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
What are your political views?__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
Why did your last relationship end?______________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
What do you bring to a relationship?_____________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
What are your strengths?______________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
What are your weaknesses?___________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
Describe yourself in 5 words:__________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
Anything else I should know?_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
References:
Please supply three references.
Name:_____________________________________ Relationship:____________________
Email Address:____________________________ Phone Number: ___________________
How long have you known this individual?_______________________________________
Name:_____________________________________ Relationship:____________________
Email Address:____________________________ Phone Number: ___________________
How long have you known this individual?_______________________________________
Name:______________________________________ Relationship:____________________
Email Address:_____________________________ Phone Number: ___________________
How long have you known this individual?________________________________________
Thank you for your interest in the position of my girlfriend. If there are any additional documents, resumes and/or letters of reference you'd like to include please attach them separately. If you have any questions please let me know. Again, thank you for your interest in the position.
Sincerely,
J.R.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Trust Issues
This isn't the blog I intended to write. In fact, I'm writing it from my phone so it's likely to be chock full of grammar issues. But I was sitting in the den thinking about some things and I realized that maybe for my own mental health, this was a blog I needed to write.
I don't trust people. I mean yes, someone will tell me something about their life and I'll believe them. But I don't trust people with my heart or my emotions. The majority of the time I don't even trust people to be my friends. And that, I think, is one of my greatest problems.
I realize that yes, many people have trust issues, many people have been let down in the past, but personally that's a hard thing for me to get over. In fact I'm not sure I ever really get over it.
I don't make promises. I don't make promises be because I know how much it can hurt to have them broken. My past is riddled with ex-girlfriends and former friends who made promises only to turn around and break them without a second thought. Because of that... I don't make promises. Because of that... If you make me a promise, I won't believe it. After 15 years those promises have become just simple words. And I won't trust you to keep that promise.
But it's still more than that. Only now, this far into my life am I starting to see that some friendships might actually last more than 2 years. But the thing is... I don't expect them to. I expect people to be in my life for a few months before they decide to cut in run. I prepare myself for what I see as an inevitability. So I do what I can to stay distant. I try to avoid offering up too much of myself and I try to avoid opening up too much of my heart. I don't trust you not to break me.
Because of this... Because I've been broken, because people really don't stick around in my life, I'm likely to do what I can to keep my heart and emotions separate. I do what I can to keep myself from becoming accustomed to your presence. I do what I can to protect myself. If I come to depend on you, to lean on you, if I trust you with my secrets and even my fears, if I start to believe that you might actually be there for me -every day, or even 5 years from now- and you're not? That will break me.
So I do things to protect myself. I try and take breaks from twitter, I try to keep myself from getting too used to talking to the same people everyday. I get up in the mornings and I'll refuse to text anyone because I don't want to get into a habit of having those people there for me to talk to. I do what I can to keep my heart distant. Just because I'm used to the pain doesn't mean I'll encourage it.
I've talked before about how I sabotage my relationships. I'm just as guilty of sabotaging friendships. I expect to be lied to. I expect to be disappointed. I expect to be let down by the people that claim my friends. Because of that... I push people away and I'll say things I shouldn't. After all, its not like anyone will stick around long enough to notice.
So really... What it all comes down to is that I expect people to let me down. I expect people to not be there for me when I really need them to be. And I expect people to walk out of my life. And the thing is, I've heard it all before.
So yes, you can tell me you plan on sticking around for years. But I wont believe you. And you can tell me that i should text when I need to talk, or that I should call because you won't to talk to me. But I'll do my best to avoid doing that. Because I can't allow myself to get used to something that will just end up being ripped away from me.
So at times I'm going to do things you might not like. I'm going to assume I'm bothering you. I'm going to assume that you'd be happier if I left you alone. In fact, the majority of the time I'm probably just going to assume that you'd be a hell of a lot happier without me around to complicate your life. And yes, I'm well aware about what happens when you assume.
So when an opportunity arises for you to cut and run from my life... I'm going to be surprised if you don't take it. And yes, I'm going to think that I'm a complication in your life that you don't need. And no more what you say, I'm probably not going to believe otherwise.
Here's the other thing. If you tell me you're going to stick around. If you tell me you're not like everyone else. I'm not likely to believe you. Because those arguments... They're old and I've heard them all before. And the truth of the matter is... No one has done it yet.
So let's face it... I have trust issues.
-J
I don't trust people. I mean yes, someone will tell me something about their life and I'll believe them. But I don't trust people with my heart or my emotions. The majority of the time I don't even trust people to be my friends. And that, I think, is one of my greatest problems.
I realize that yes, many people have trust issues, many people have been let down in the past, but personally that's a hard thing for me to get over. In fact I'm not sure I ever really get over it.
I don't make promises. I don't make promises be because I know how much it can hurt to have them broken. My past is riddled with ex-girlfriends and former friends who made promises only to turn around and break them without a second thought. Because of that... I don't make promises. Because of that... If you make me a promise, I won't believe it. After 15 years those promises have become just simple words. And I won't trust you to keep that promise.
But it's still more than that. Only now, this far into my life am I starting to see that some friendships might actually last more than 2 years. But the thing is... I don't expect them to. I expect people to be in my life for a few months before they decide to cut in run. I prepare myself for what I see as an inevitability. So I do what I can to stay distant. I try to avoid offering up too much of myself and I try to avoid opening up too much of my heart. I don't trust you not to break me.
Because of this... Because I've been broken, because people really don't stick around in my life, I'm likely to do what I can to keep my heart and emotions separate. I do what I can to keep myself from becoming accustomed to your presence. I do what I can to protect myself. If I come to depend on you, to lean on you, if I trust you with my secrets and even my fears, if I start to believe that you might actually be there for me -every day, or even 5 years from now- and you're not? That will break me.
So I do things to protect myself. I try and take breaks from twitter, I try to keep myself from getting too used to talking to the same people everyday. I get up in the mornings and I'll refuse to text anyone because I don't want to get into a habit of having those people there for me to talk to. I do what I can to keep my heart distant. Just because I'm used to the pain doesn't mean I'll encourage it.
I've talked before about how I sabotage my relationships. I'm just as guilty of sabotaging friendships. I expect to be lied to. I expect to be disappointed. I expect to be let down by the people that claim my friends. Because of that... I push people away and I'll say things I shouldn't. After all, its not like anyone will stick around long enough to notice.
So really... What it all comes down to is that I expect people to let me down. I expect people to not be there for me when I really need them to be. And I expect people to walk out of my life. And the thing is, I've heard it all before.
So yes, you can tell me you plan on sticking around for years. But I wont believe you. And you can tell me that i should text when I need to talk, or that I should call because you won't to talk to me. But I'll do my best to avoid doing that. Because I can't allow myself to get used to something that will just end up being ripped away from me.
So at times I'm going to do things you might not like. I'm going to assume I'm bothering you. I'm going to assume that you'd be happier if I left you alone. In fact, the majority of the time I'm probably just going to assume that you'd be a hell of a lot happier without me around to complicate your life. And yes, I'm well aware about what happens when you assume.
So when an opportunity arises for you to cut and run from my life... I'm going to be surprised if you don't take it. And yes, I'm going to think that I'm a complication in your life that you don't need. And no more what you say, I'm probably not going to believe otherwise.
Here's the other thing. If you tell me you're going to stick around. If you tell me you're not like everyone else. I'm not likely to believe you. Because those arguments... They're old and I've heard them all before. And the truth of the matter is... No one has done it yet.
So let's face it... I have trust issues.
-J
Monday, May 23, 2011
Well... that was interesting...
Many if not most of you are aware that I was presenting at my Colloquium tonight for my Master's Degree. This is essentially the final step between me and my degree and my teaching license. I was originally scheduled to present several weeks ago, but I fell ill, and then I fell down my stairs. So my original presentation didn't happen.
Fast forward a couple weeks... to well now.
Tonight I was scheduled to present at 8:30. Presentations began at 5 and I was required to be there for every presentation.
But let's rewind a little bit... to yesterday.
So I worked all weekend, but on Sunday morning I had to get up for work at 7 am. So when I got home from work I had some work I needed to finish on my portfolio. Well, as most of us know, I procrastinate.... a lot. So anyway, I was up all night... procrastinating, eventually I got my to do list for last night done around 5 am, and then went to sleep for a couple hours.
Now we're on today.
Got up at 8 and took a shower before going downstairs to finish up the last couple things I needed to do for my portfolio. It was about that point that I realized I was missing one of the 7 artifacts I needed for my portfolio as well as 4 slides for my powerpoint.
So let me just point out that I was having a dandy of a day.
I finish up all my work, get dressed and still have time to run through my presentation one time before I had to head out the door. However, I hadn't eaten all day, I hadn't had any caffeine and I was operating on only three hours of sleep.
So I get over to school, I pick up some paperwork I need, drop off a few other things and then I'm downstairs waiting for things to get started. So okay, we make it through the first 4 presentations, we're doing well on time. Then we get to the first of the guys, who... strikes me as incompetent and it was at that point that my Program Director and one of the instructors starts asking questions that I'm thinking "Oh Dear God, I'm screwed."
Also, about this point the weather has picked up, and we're hearing a few things through text, and what not about tornadoes doing some damage in the area. But I let it go. So we get through the next presentation. And then we're on the last guy before it's my turn.
The weather has picked up and midway through his presentation the power goes out. At that point, the building is running on emergency power and there is no one to continue using our powerpoints. The guy who was presenting was far enough along in his presentation that he could finish his.
I, however, was screwed. I was given the option of presenting without my PowerPoint or coming back another night. So... screw that, I chose to present. Luckily, one of the other presenters had her laptop, so at the very least the head of my program could see my PowerPoint while I talked. Luckily I had made up some note cards before I left the house. But we're getting through the presentation, and I'm having to change my presentation style to accommodate the fact that I have no visuals for everyone else to see. So...let's just say I made it through.
Afterwards, I'm asked some questions, at which point I realize that my research is completely skewed. I forgot to take into account several changes I made which increased the amount of variables in my research. I manage to make my way through the questions and a couple conversations after my presentation with no problems. But it's after that that we come to realize that there were tornado alarms going off the whole time I was presenting. (Reminds me of my undergrad graduation)
Then I almost got in a car accident on the way home. To sum up.... it was an interesting night.
Fast forward a couple weeks... to well now.
Tonight I was scheduled to present at 8:30. Presentations began at 5 and I was required to be there for every presentation.
But let's rewind a little bit... to yesterday.
So I worked all weekend, but on Sunday morning I had to get up for work at 7 am. So when I got home from work I had some work I needed to finish on my portfolio. Well, as most of us know, I procrastinate.... a lot. So anyway, I was up all night... procrastinating, eventually I got my to do list for last night done around 5 am, and then went to sleep for a couple hours.
Now we're on today.
Got up at 8 and took a shower before going downstairs to finish up the last couple things I needed to do for my portfolio. It was about that point that I realized I was missing one of the 7 artifacts I needed for my portfolio as well as 4 slides for my powerpoint.
So let me just point out that I was having a dandy of a day.
I finish up all my work, get dressed and still have time to run through my presentation one time before I had to head out the door. However, I hadn't eaten all day, I hadn't had any caffeine and I was operating on only three hours of sleep.
So I get over to school, I pick up some paperwork I need, drop off a few other things and then I'm downstairs waiting for things to get started. So okay, we make it through the first 4 presentations, we're doing well on time. Then we get to the first of the guys, who... strikes me as incompetent and it was at that point that my Program Director and one of the instructors starts asking questions that I'm thinking "Oh Dear God, I'm screwed."
Also, about this point the weather has picked up, and we're hearing a few things through text, and what not about tornadoes doing some damage in the area. But I let it go. So we get through the next presentation. And then we're on the last guy before it's my turn.
The weather has picked up and midway through his presentation the power goes out. At that point, the building is running on emergency power and there is no one to continue using our powerpoints. The guy who was presenting was far enough along in his presentation that he could finish his.
I, however, was screwed. I was given the option of presenting without my PowerPoint or coming back another night. So... screw that, I chose to present. Luckily, one of the other presenters had her laptop, so at the very least the head of my program could see my PowerPoint while I talked. Luckily I had made up some note cards before I left the house. But we're getting through the presentation, and I'm having to change my presentation style to accommodate the fact that I have no visuals for everyone else to see. So...let's just say I made it through.
Afterwards, I'm asked some questions, at which point I realize that my research is completely skewed. I forgot to take into account several changes I made which increased the amount of variables in my research. I manage to make my way through the questions and a couple conversations after my presentation with no problems. But it's after that that we come to realize that there were tornado alarms going off the whole time I was presenting. (Reminds me of my undergrad graduation)
Then I almost got in a car accident on the way home. To sum up.... it was an interesting night.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Who I am
So here's the thing about who I am... in order to understand who I am now you have to understand who I was 10 years ago, even who I was 7 years ago, right on up to who I was 4 years ago.
10 years ago I was 15, I was young and stupid. And frankly I was willing to do what I thought was necessary to get people to like me. I went to school in a suburban community where everyone was Christian, Straight and Conservative. At the time I was only one of the three. I dated boys, hide my attraction for girls and tried not to voice how differently I saw the world from everyone else. I did everything I could to be what people expected of me, and I never did anything to make me the person I wanted to be.
I was young and stupid, let's just emphasis this. And I'm not saying everyone who is young is stupid, or that everyone who is stupid is young, but rather that I was both. I got involved with relationships I should have, I got in situations I shouldn't have. And I adjusted, so when people told me things were my fault, I accepted the blame. When people told me I should be sorry, I was. When people told me I was a screw up, I was worthless, I wasn't worth the air I breathe, I believed them. And ... frankly, I still believe them, but you have something beaten into your head often enough and by enough people over the years, then you come to believe the things they say they are true.
So now, I apologize, I accept blame, and I believe what they said. I have problems taking some jokes because they hit close to home. I have problems being told that I'm screwing things up, because of how true it is. I accept the blame for things that are in no way my fault, because I've been taught that it is my fault, no matter what. I believe I'm not worth caring about, I believe I'm not worth worrying about, I believe I'm not worth loving.
In my attempts to be who I was expected to be, I had to hide who I was, and I hide it with cuts and bruises. And honestly, I didn't even try to hide it. There are still faint scars, but I've never tried to hide them, because no one has ever noticed. No one ever looked. Admittedly I was smart about it, I didn't use a blade at the time, but fingernails can be sharp, and there were weeks where my arms were covered in crescent shaped cuts, but no one noticed. And when no one notices, when no one says it's a bad idea, then maybe it's not a bad thing. And so I didn't stop.
Seven years ago, I was 18 and I thought, for the first time in my life life that I knew what love was. I was wrong, I know that now. But at the time I thought it was love, I thought I'd found forever. I was young. She was my first girlfriend, she was my first at a lot of things. And for the first time in my life I knew what it meant to put myself in front of a blade for someone. I did exactly that.
This girl... who I absolutely adored, she showed me how much she was interested in me by carving my initials into her ankle and surrounded that with a heart. She did this before we even started dating, so maybe I should have run, but instead I had this overwhelming need to protect her, to care for her, to keep her safe. So as months progressed, I became her canvas. When she wanted to hurt herself, I asked her to hurt me instead. When she needed to get her aggression out, I was her punching bag. When she needed to feel, I was there to give her what I could. I did the best I could to be what she needed. And in the process I lost the parts of myself I had started to find.
Most vividly I remember one night, lying topless on her bathroom floor, on my stomach. I remember the weight of her as she straddled my hips and I remember the feel of the razor blade on my back. I remember the pain as she carved her initials into my skin. I remember thinking that I was protecting her.
About this time I had quit cutting myself, because I needed to be strong, and she needed to mar my skin more than I did. Instead I settled for punishing myself. I had this mental list of things I would do as punishment for anything I thought I had done wrong. After all, things were my fault and how would I learn from it otherwise. So if I said the wrong thing, if I broke a promise, if I did something that for anyone seemed wrong to me, then I made sure I learned not to do it again.
If I needed to, I had a list of things I could resort to. Some were as simple as leaving the window open in the middle of winter, hiding my own blankets and making myself freeze during the night. If I repeatedly annoyed myself I could and would bang my knee repeatedly against the edge of my desk until bruises formed and I could barely walk. Other options included not allowing myself to eat, turning the water on the shower all the way up and burning my bag, or one of a hundred other things. At the time I thought it was a better alternative, I wasn't generally causing myself to bleed, so it had to have been better than cutting.
Four years ago, I was 21, and that May I lost a friend who was very close to my heart. Frankly it's a pain I still feel, but I didn't know how to cope. So I did the stupid things, I maxed out my credit cards and spent all my savings on the things that would make me feel better in the short time (hello awesome collection of action figures) and I did the things that made me feel better at the time. I remembered her as best I could. So when I felt sad, I carved a "K" into my arm, I remembered her when I looked at my skin and I felt better. I clung to her memories and I clung to the person she thought I was. And I clung to that scar on my arm. When it faded 6 months later I wanted to redo it. And now, we're approaching the 4 year anniversary, and I'm contemplating redoing it.
But all these things.... they're part of who I am, but they're mostly who I was. I recognize that I've not always been emotionally or mentally stable. Hell, I'll flat out admit that I'm crazy. But these things... they make me who I am today. I still apologize, I still blame myself for thigns that aren't my fault and I still shirk away from some jokes and I still punish myself on occasion for things I've done wrong that really bother me. I still carry scars from myself and from others, both emotional and physical. I can't take compliments because I've been taught that there is nothing good about me, I can't stop apologizing because I've been taught it's all my fault. I put myself time and time again between my friends and their pain because it's my job and it's my duty to be the canvass, the punching bag, and the outlet. I can't be serious and I can't thing long term because in my head, all we have is the short term, and so help me I'm gonna be a goof ball, I'm gonna be a nerd, I'm gonna be silly and sometimes immature, because why ruin the short term for a long term that may never exist.
I might have cigarettes and razor blades in my pocket, but I'm not a threat to myself. I carry sharp pointy objects and sources of flame and cancer causing death sticks with me. The flame and death sticks are for the bad days, when I need to relax a little and escape. But they aren't a constant source of relief. And the sharp pointy objects... they remind me of who I was, and that I am stronger. Yes, some days my wrists still itch, but I'm better than that. I'm not going to open up a vein and let it all come out. I am stronger, but I'm still part of that person. So yes, I have razor blades around my room, but I'm not going to end my life. I won't do that to my friends, and I won't do that to my family, and I certainly won't do that to the friends that have become my family.
So really... this is why I am the person I am. These are my faults and flaws. That's who I was. I'm not even going to try and end this blog on any form of happy note, because I can't even find one. Except this... I'm not well. I'm not perfectly happy and I'm not perfectly healthy. But I'm stubborn and I have no health insurance and seeing a shrink isn't for me. But I rarely hurt myself anymore, and then it takes a lot to drive me to pain. I have my mental blocks, but I've gotten over some of it, and some of it I probably never will get past. But if you're like me... don't be. No one should be like me, find help, find friends, find those people that love you no matter what, and cling to them. You need them, more than you realize. Trust me.
- JR
10 years ago I was 15, I was young and stupid. And frankly I was willing to do what I thought was necessary to get people to like me. I went to school in a suburban community where everyone was Christian, Straight and Conservative. At the time I was only one of the three. I dated boys, hide my attraction for girls and tried not to voice how differently I saw the world from everyone else. I did everything I could to be what people expected of me, and I never did anything to make me the person I wanted to be.
I was young and stupid, let's just emphasis this. And I'm not saying everyone who is young is stupid, or that everyone who is stupid is young, but rather that I was both. I got involved with relationships I should have, I got in situations I shouldn't have. And I adjusted, so when people told me things were my fault, I accepted the blame. When people told me I should be sorry, I was. When people told me I was a screw up, I was worthless, I wasn't worth the air I breathe, I believed them. And ... frankly, I still believe them, but you have something beaten into your head often enough and by enough people over the years, then you come to believe the things they say they are true.
So now, I apologize, I accept blame, and I believe what they said. I have problems taking some jokes because they hit close to home. I have problems being told that I'm screwing things up, because of how true it is. I accept the blame for things that are in no way my fault, because I've been taught that it is my fault, no matter what. I believe I'm not worth caring about, I believe I'm not worth worrying about, I believe I'm not worth loving.
In my attempts to be who I was expected to be, I had to hide who I was, and I hide it with cuts and bruises. And honestly, I didn't even try to hide it. There are still faint scars, but I've never tried to hide them, because no one has ever noticed. No one ever looked. Admittedly I was smart about it, I didn't use a blade at the time, but fingernails can be sharp, and there were weeks where my arms were covered in crescent shaped cuts, but no one noticed. And when no one notices, when no one says it's a bad idea, then maybe it's not a bad thing. And so I didn't stop.
Seven years ago, I was 18 and I thought, for the first time in my life life that I knew what love was. I was wrong, I know that now. But at the time I thought it was love, I thought I'd found forever. I was young. She was my first girlfriend, she was my first at a lot of things. And for the first time in my life I knew what it meant to put myself in front of a blade for someone. I did exactly that.
This girl... who I absolutely adored, she showed me how much she was interested in me by carving my initials into her ankle and surrounded that with a heart. She did this before we even started dating, so maybe I should have run, but instead I had this overwhelming need to protect her, to care for her, to keep her safe. So as months progressed, I became her canvas. When she wanted to hurt herself, I asked her to hurt me instead. When she needed to get her aggression out, I was her punching bag. When she needed to feel, I was there to give her what I could. I did the best I could to be what she needed. And in the process I lost the parts of myself I had started to find.
Most vividly I remember one night, lying topless on her bathroom floor, on my stomach. I remember the weight of her as she straddled my hips and I remember the feel of the razor blade on my back. I remember the pain as she carved her initials into my skin. I remember thinking that I was protecting her.
About this time I had quit cutting myself, because I needed to be strong, and she needed to mar my skin more than I did. Instead I settled for punishing myself. I had this mental list of things I would do as punishment for anything I thought I had done wrong. After all, things were my fault and how would I learn from it otherwise. So if I said the wrong thing, if I broke a promise, if I did something that for anyone seemed wrong to me, then I made sure I learned not to do it again.
If I needed to, I had a list of things I could resort to. Some were as simple as leaving the window open in the middle of winter, hiding my own blankets and making myself freeze during the night. If I repeatedly annoyed myself I could and would bang my knee repeatedly against the edge of my desk until bruises formed and I could barely walk. Other options included not allowing myself to eat, turning the water on the shower all the way up and burning my bag, or one of a hundred other things. At the time I thought it was a better alternative, I wasn't generally causing myself to bleed, so it had to have been better than cutting.
Four years ago, I was 21, and that May I lost a friend who was very close to my heart. Frankly it's a pain I still feel, but I didn't know how to cope. So I did the stupid things, I maxed out my credit cards and spent all my savings on the things that would make me feel better in the short time (hello awesome collection of action figures) and I did the things that made me feel better at the time. I remembered her as best I could. So when I felt sad, I carved a "K" into my arm, I remembered her when I looked at my skin and I felt better. I clung to her memories and I clung to the person she thought I was. And I clung to that scar on my arm. When it faded 6 months later I wanted to redo it. And now, we're approaching the 4 year anniversary, and I'm contemplating redoing it.
But all these things.... they're part of who I am, but they're mostly who I was. I recognize that I've not always been emotionally or mentally stable. Hell, I'll flat out admit that I'm crazy. But these things... they make me who I am today. I still apologize, I still blame myself for thigns that aren't my fault and I still shirk away from some jokes and I still punish myself on occasion for things I've done wrong that really bother me. I still carry scars from myself and from others, both emotional and physical. I can't take compliments because I've been taught that there is nothing good about me, I can't stop apologizing because I've been taught it's all my fault. I put myself time and time again between my friends and their pain because it's my job and it's my duty to be the canvass, the punching bag, and the outlet. I can't be serious and I can't thing long term because in my head, all we have is the short term, and so help me I'm gonna be a goof ball, I'm gonna be a nerd, I'm gonna be silly and sometimes immature, because why ruin the short term for a long term that may never exist.
I might have cigarettes and razor blades in my pocket, but I'm not a threat to myself. I carry sharp pointy objects and sources of flame and cancer causing death sticks with me. The flame and death sticks are for the bad days, when I need to relax a little and escape. But they aren't a constant source of relief. And the sharp pointy objects... they remind me of who I was, and that I am stronger. Yes, some days my wrists still itch, but I'm better than that. I'm not going to open up a vein and let it all come out. I am stronger, but I'm still part of that person. So yes, I have razor blades around my room, but I'm not going to end my life. I won't do that to my friends, and I won't do that to my family, and I certainly won't do that to the friends that have become my family.
So really... this is why I am the person I am. These are my faults and flaws. That's who I was. I'm not even going to try and end this blog on any form of happy note, because I can't even find one. Except this... I'm not well. I'm not perfectly happy and I'm not perfectly healthy. But I'm stubborn and I have no health insurance and seeing a shrink isn't for me. But I rarely hurt myself anymore, and then it takes a lot to drive me to pain. I have my mental blocks, but I've gotten over some of it, and some of it I probably never will get past. But if you're like me... don't be. No one should be like me, find help, find friends, find those people that love you no matter what, and cling to them. You need them, more than you realize. Trust me.
- JR
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Thoughts on Love
I've been thinking about love. Most people want it, most people want someone to spend the rest of their lives with me. But I'm doing everything i can to avoid it. Subconsciously I've even been sabotaging my own relationships.
I think I'm terrified of love. I'm terrified that I'll never really be loved by anyone, I'm terrified I'll never be loved at all and I'm terrified that if I really let myself love and be loved I'll only end up broken hearted. Instead I use my family, my job, my sexuality and my own appearance as reasons to justify why I can never be loved, never have a real relationship.
But what it all really comes down to is that I'm terrified. I'm terrified I'll never be able to find someone who can love me for who I am. I'll never find someone who thinks I'm beautiful, who finds my nerdiness endearing, or who knows my little habits.
I shrug a lot. But who understands why?
I can't sleep during thunderstorms. I panic if I don't have my necklace. I almost always have bruises on my shoulders. I mute certain parts of movies and tv episodes. I don't go to church. I sleep with my phone under my pillow and on vibrate.
And all I really want is someone who will want to understand why I do them.
I define love as wanting to know a person completely, of being able to sit with a person and having a million things to say after 40 years together, but not needing to say a word. I see love as wanting to fall asleep and wanting to wake up with the same person next to you every day for a thousand years. It's wanting to walk hand in had through the park and being there, every day, when they're on top of the world or being smashed under it. Love is not asking someone to change but in accepting them for who they are. Love is magic, it's the north star, what you aim for.
And it terrifies the hell out of me.
I think I'm terrified of love. I'm terrified that I'll never really be loved by anyone, I'm terrified I'll never be loved at all and I'm terrified that if I really let myself love and be loved I'll only end up broken hearted. Instead I use my family, my job, my sexuality and my own appearance as reasons to justify why I can never be loved, never have a real relationship.
But what it all really comes down to is that I'm terrified. I'm terrified I'll never be able to find someone who can love me for who I am. I'll never find someone who thinks I'm beautiful, who finds my nerdiness endearing, or who knows my little habits.
I shrug a lot. But who understands why?
I can't sleep during thunderstorms. I panic if I don't have my necklace. I almost always have bruises on my shoulders. I mute certain parts of movies and tv episodes. I don't go to church. I sleep with my phone under my pillow and on vibrate.
And all I really want is someone who will want to understand why I do them.
I define love as wanting to know a person completely, of being able to sit with a person and having a million things to say after 40 years together, but not needing to say a word. I see love as wanting to fall asleep and wanting to wake up with the same person next to you every day for a thousand years. It's wanting to walk hand in had through the park and being there, every day, when they're on top of the world or being smashed under it. Love is not asking someone to change but in accepting them for who they are. Love is magic, it's the north star, what you aim for.
And it terrifies the hell out of me.
@megshensley: it's a pit of your stomach can't breathe heart palpitation always dreaming situation. When you picture your future they're in it.
@TtownAmstaff: I always felt like w/romantic love it's not something you can really define, you just sort of know it, you feel it or you don't
@AmandaKirchner : as for love, le sigh, if something good happens whose the first person u wanna tell? That's usually the one u love the most.
@MormonLesbian: I'm too sassy right now. Everything I thought of was followed by me thinking, "That's not love; that's an erection," haha
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Tiny Post (2 years)
You said two years was a long time to wait for love,
I said two years down the road I'll be just fine.
Well it's two years down the road and I'm alright
It's two years down the road and life's moved on
But it's two years later and I'm still waiting
I'm still loving, I'm still holding on
to two years waiting for you.
1. I started writing this as a weird piece of poetry.
2. I want to break out my guitar and turn it into a song
3. I don't know how to play my guitar
4. Anyone wanna help?
I said two years down the road I'll be just fine.
Well it's two years down the road and I'm alright
It's two years down the road and life's moved on
But it's two years later and I'm still waiting
I'm still loving, I'm still holding on
to two years waiting for you.
1. I started writing this as a weird piece of poetry.
2. I want to break out my guitar and turn it into a song
3. I don't know how to play my guitar
4. Anyone wanna help?
Monday, April 18, 2011
An open letter to God
Hi guys, this came about from a comment I made to Sarah earlier... and well.... it might actually explain a lot about me. - me
Dear God:
As a child I loved you. I strove to do what you said was right, I tried to follow the path you set for me and I tried to be the person your word said I should be. As a teen I went to your house every week and devoted myself to serving your people. But as I grew older my faith in you began to fade.
I never could understand how a God who was all about loving thy neighbor and honoring and respecting others could condemn the love I felt in my heart. I still don't understand. What I do understand is that you have always been the God your people needed you to be. You were once the vengeful and wrathful God your people required. They needed a God with that anger to release them from bondage and bring them into your land. But they also needed that God who would leave then to wander in the desert for 40 years because they disobeyed. There had to be consistency, and I get that. But then things changed, you sent your Son and changed from the wrathful God to the loving God. But there are still parts of that vengeful being that teach against love, fidelity and honesty. And I can't understand that.
I believe in you, I have since I was a child. But you are not the God I need you to be. And you are not the God so many of us need you to be.
I can't believe that a God who is a loving, caring God would condemn me to an eternity in Hell for loving another woman. I can't imagine condemnation for love. But if you're going to condemn me for who I am then you're not a God worth worshiping. I'd rather be in Hell for being myself then in Heaven for pretending to be something I'm not.
But perhaps the problem is not you but your church. The church presents your message and oftentimes the one they present is an awkward combination of your vengeful persona and your loving persona. The church condemns me and those I love.
I never could understand how a God who was all about loving thy neighbor and honoring and respecting others could condemn the love I felt in my heart. I still don't understand. What I do understand is that you have always been the God your people needed you to be. You were once the vengeful and wrathful God your people required. They needed a God with that anger to release them from bondage and bring them into your land. But they also needed that God who would leave then to wander in the desert for 40 years because they disobeyed. There had to be consistency, and I get that. But then things changed, you sent your Son and changed from the wrathful God to the loving God. But there are still parts of that vengeful being that teach against love, fidelity and honesty. And I can't understand that.
I believe in you, I have since I was a child. But you are not the God I need you to be. And you are not the God so many of us need you to be.
I can't believe that a God who is a loving, caring God would condemn me to an eternity in Hell for loving another woman. I can't imagine condemnation for love. But if you're going to condemn me for who I am then you're not a God worth worshiping. I'd rather be in Hell for being myself then in Heaven for pretending to be something I'm not.
But perhaps the problem is not you but your church. The church presents your message and oftentimes the one they present is an awkward combination of your vengeful persona and your loving persona. The church condemns me and those I love.
I have always loved going to church. It wasn't just the message and it wasn't just the beliefs I had but it was also the people. Your people. They loved me for who I was, or at least for who they knew me to be. And many of them loved me unconditionally and completely. Those people stood beside me throughout my depression and suicide attempts. They were the only ones to look for my scars and check for new ones. Your people were my people, and I loved them.
When I realized I was gay, or at least not so straight I told the people I loved. I told the people I thought I could trust. When I was 17 I had enough strength to tell the people in your church that loved me the most. Your people, the ones that were supposed to love me, the ones that had supported me, the ones that had cared for me in my darkest hours turned their backs on me. I was no longer loved, rather they condemned me. They removed me from the positions I volunteered for and they limited my involvement in the church. Sermons were directed at me and I was ostracized. Is this the family and the love I was meant to find from your people?
I was no longer one of your people. I no longer found comfort or solace in the arms of your church. I was no longer loved. Were we not supposed to love our brothers and sisters? Were we not supposed to love our neighbors? When did I move from one of your children to one destined for Hell?
I was no longer one of your people. I no longer found comfort or solace in the arms of your church. I was no longer loved. Were we not supposed to love our brothers and sisters? Were we not supposed to love our neighbors? When did I move from one of your children to one destined for Hell?
Maybe you are not the problem, but your church. But either way, I can not put my faith into a system overseen by a deity that condemns me for love. You are not the God I need you to be, and your church is not the one that I need it to be. More than that, you are not the God you should be, and your church is not what it should be.
I still love you. I still believe in you. But it is not enough. I can not put my faith in you, I can not lean on you and I can not depend on you. I must stand on my own two feet, for there is no one else that will support me, and I can't believe that you will be there to carry me when your people were not.
I no longer identify myself as Christian, or as a Baptist. Rather I identify myself as a Twittertarian. They have become my church, my strength, they have become the family your people were supposed to be. If being who I am condemns me to a seat in Hell, then I know that those who love me unconditionally, as your people were supposed to, will be with me, and they will always love me for who I am.
Your people chased me from your church. I haven't set foot inside a church since I was 18, except for this past September for my sister's wedding. It has been 7 years, and I'll gladly wait another decade before setting foot inside one of your houses that condemns me so strongly for being the person you made me to be. If it falls to that... then reserve me my seat in Hell.
I told a friend you no longer listened to me, and I believe that to be true. But I hope one day that my voice might matter again, that your church might accept me and that I might once more be loved unconditionally by those you call your own.
I told a friend you no longer listened to me, and I believe that to be true. But I hope one day that my voice might matter again, that your church might accept me and that I might once more be loved unconditionally by those you call your own.
With the last of my faith,
-Jess
-Jess
(Obviously I've got a lot on my mind... I'm open to thoughts, reactions, comments, but this was something in my mind that I needed to say, I needed to write down, I needed to admit.)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Grand Romantic Gestures
For some reason I've been thinking about grand romantic gestures today. So I asked around and I heard a few examples. One friend proposed to her girlfriend. Another friend moved across states to be with her then girlfriend. (Funny enough both girlfriends mentioned are my exes) But I've been thinking about the most romantic thing I ever did for a girl. I've done some sweet things. (in my opinion) I've written poetry, bought flowers (expensive ones at that), fixed dinners and done whatever romantic things I could. But really the most romantic, most grand gesture was writing a 1 and 1/2 page love letter to my then girlfriend. And we're not just talking any love letter, remember I was a literature major. This was all flowy and flowery and well you'll see. So in honor of grand romantic gestures, I'm sharing the letter I wrote.
10th October 2005
My Dearest Love,
My heart beats rapidly at the thought that I might address you as such. I had hoped that upon the writing of this letter your heart would have felt mine beat against it once more. I am sorrowed by the distance that still lies between us, but my soul is hopeful that this may soon be remedied. I pray nightly to feel your love in my sleep and it is my deepest wish that you pray the same. My soul often aches for you, yet my heart continues through the days, powered by the knowledge of your love. My mind is powerless to master the words needed to express how I feel for you. Yet nonetheless my pen continuously glides across the paper in a ritualistic dance performed solely for you. Through my mind remains unable to express my love for you, with every beat my heart broadcasts it to the listening world. I implore you, my love, that should you ever doubt the depth of my emotion that you simply listen to my heart.
24th October 2005
Much time has passed since I embarked on this journey my love, yet I remain confident that soon my greetings will reach you. I have dreamt often of you since I last gazed upon your beauty and upon each sunrise I wake with tears in my heart, sorrowful at the realization that once more my dreams have deceived me. I pray that you know that I look upon you as one would the North Star, you are my constant, my direction, my guide. I turn my gaze to you when I am wandering this infinite plane. My dependence upon you is the motivation for my life. For several brief moments, independent though they were, I was truly devastated with the thought that I may never feel your embrace again. I love you my dearest.
While others hurl curses upon the almighty, I praise him for by his grace he has presented me with an angel whose face is your own. I fear that before I complete my tribute to your goodness I must visit with the land of Morpheus. Before I venture until the realm of dreams I share with you my greatest fear, that all my memories of us, that all the memories are simply dreams and that soon I will wake into a nightmarish world where I have neither you nor your love.
7th November, 2005
My darling, within this letter I grant to you the ability to read my soul. Be cautious though, my heart, in some places my soul is quite torn and tattered, but do not worry, for every day I have you my soul is repaired a little further. Though you may doubt it darling you are making my life whole once more. A year and a half ago the skies I looked upon were permanently dark, mere months later I met you, I fell in love with you, and my skies cleared up because of you. My heart, you have saved me from my greatest damage, myself. For that I am forever grateful to you. I love you with all the love in the world. I pray that this letter finds you quickly and safely and that it brightens the darkness cast into your heart by the distance between us. I hope that you may feel my love more strongly now then upon the first time I told you of my love.
From your heart,
-J
As you can tell, it took me a while to right the letter. Beyond that I went through a series of drafts and in the end I wrote it on paper from a sketch pad, attempting to make it look like parchment, and I used a fancy pen to write it out. I sealed the letter itself with red wax and an old ring I have.
The then girlfriend and I were living about an hour apart and I was trying to do what I could to reassure her of how I felt. She was the first person I think I ever really loved. The first person I ever pictured a future with. The first person I ever wanted a future with. The first person I did a lot of things with. And she meant a lot to me, in some ways she still does.
But anyway, what's the most romantic thing you've done for someone you loved? Or what's the most romantic thing you've had done for you?
Night folks.
- JR
10th October 2005
My Dearest Love,
My heart beats rapidly at the thought that I might address you as such. I had hoped that upon the writing of this letter your heart would have felt mine beat against it once more. I am sorrowed by the distance that still lies between us, but my soul is hopeful that this may soon be remedied. I pray nightly to feel your love in my sleep and it is my deepest wish that you pray the same. My soul often aches for you, yet my heart continues through the days, powered by the knowledge of your love. My mind is powerless to master the words needed to express how I feel for you. Yet nonetheless my pen continuously glides across the paper in a ritualistic dance performed solely for you. Through my mind remains unable to express my love for you, with every beat my heart broadcasts it to the listening world. I implore you, my love, that should you ever doubt the depth of my emotion that you simply listen to my heart.
24th October 2005
Much time has passed since I embarked on this journey my love, yet I remain confident that soon my greetings will reach you. I have dreamt often of you since I last gazed upon your beauty and upon each sunrise I wake with tears in my heart, sorrowful at the realization that once more my dreams have deceived me. I pray that you know that I look upon you as one would the North Star, you are my constant, my direction, my guide. I turn my gaze to you when I am wandering this infinite plane. My dependence upon you is the motivation for my life. For several brief moments, independent though they were, I was truly devastated with the thought that I may never feel your embrace again. I love you my dearest.
While others hurl curses upon the almighty, I praise him for by his grace he has presented me with an angel whose face is your own. I fear that before I complete my tribute to your goodness I must visit with the land of Morpheus. Before I venture until the realm of dreams I share with you my greatest fear, that all my memories of us, that all the memories are simply dreams and that soon I will wake into a nightmarish world where I have neither you nor your love.
7th November, 2005
My darling, within this letter I grant to you the ability to read my soul. Be cautious though, my heart, in some places my soul is quite torn and tattered, but do not worry, for every day I have you my soul is repaired a little further. Though you may doubt it darling you are making my life whole once more. A year and a half ago the skies I looked upon were permanently dark, mere months later I met you, I fell in love with you, and my skies cleared up because of you. My heart, you have saved me from my greatest damage, myself. For that I am forever grateful to you. I love you with all the love in the world. I pray that this letter finds you quickly and safely and that it brightens the darkness cast into your heart by the distance between us. I hope that you may feel my love more strongly now then upon the first time I told you of my love.
From your heart,
-J
As you can tell, it took me a while to right the letter. Beyond that I went through a series of drafts and in the end I wrote it on paper from a sketch pad, attempting to make it look like parchment, and I used a fancy pen to write it out. I sealed the letter itself with red wax and an old ring I have.
The then girlfriend and I were living about an hour apart and I was trying to do what I could to reassure her of how I felt. She was the first person I think I ever really loved. The first person I ever pictured a future with. The first person I ever wanted a future with. The first person I did a lot of things with. And she meant a lot to me, in some ways she still does.
But anyway, what's the most romantic thing you've done for someone you loved? Or what's the most romantic thing you've had done for you?
Night folks.
- JR
Saturday, April 2, 2011
So I've been on Spring Break...
Hiya folks. So I've been on Spring Break, as made obvious by the title of this post. Which is the reason I've been lacking in updates recently. So for that I'm apologizing.
In retrospect my Spring Break has been incredibly unproductive. I've twittered away the hours, worked on gaining achievements on various Xbox 360 games and most astonishingly i even had time to read a book. However, my schedule has been so booked that there obviously hasn't been to to touch on the pile of grading I brought home with me over break. Oops.
As it is, I'm currently in the back seat of my brother in laws car as we're on our way to see a movie and go to dinner. My sister has been after me to visit them for about 8 months ( they've only been married for 6). So I made the trip to Columbus on Friday and I'm spending a few days up here before school starts again on Monday. So, regular updates will be coming back soon.
Additionally, my student teaching is coming to an end in two weeks. After that my updates should be coming much more frequently.
So I realize this is a tiny little post. But basically I'm not dead and will return to updating soon.
<3
In retrospect my Spring Break has been incredibly unproductive. I've twittered away the hours, worked on gaining achievements on various Xbox 360 games and most astonishingly i even had time to read a book. However, my schedule has been so booked that there obviously hasn't been to to touch on the pile of grading I brought home with me over break. Oops.
As it is, I'm currently in the back seat of my brother in laws car as we're on our way to see a movie and go to dinner. My sister has been after me to visit them for about 8 months ( they've only been married for 6). So I made the trip to Columbus on Friday and I'm spending a few days up here before school starts again on Monday. So, regular updates will be coming back soon.
Additionally, my student teaching is coming to an end in two weeks. After that my updates should be coming much more frequently.
So I realize this is a tiny little post. But basically I'm not dead and will return to updating soon.
<3
Sunday, March 20, 2011
The Way the Story Goes
Every story starts the same. Boy meets Girl, Girl meets Girl, or Boy meets Boy. So maybe they don't start exactly the same, but it's the same premise in every story. They meet, one loves, they both love, and a connection develops. It's the ending that varies. For the lucky ones, the hopeful ones, the determined ones, there is no ending. But for most of us... the ending comes, often unexpectedly often, there is never a warning, no giant sign of discontent. The unhappiness sneaks in at the corners of the night and one morning we just wake up and realize that the love is gone. Maybe the love isn't gone for both of the players, but for one of them... it's over. And all that's left is to break the heart of the one they professed their undying love for.
If you're like me then you've been on the heart breaking end of the story more than once. Every time it falls apart it seems like it will be the last time. It seems like you can no longer rebound, no longer pull yourself together. If you're like me... then you've given up on love. Don't be like me.
Don't give up. Remind yourself every day of the things that make you laugh, of the moments that make you smile, of the friends who will do their damndest to make you laugh. Find joy in your memories, find happiness in the love of friends, find peace in knowing this is not the end.
There is always hope, there is always a tomorrow, there will always be another chance for love, don't give up.
Some things to make you laugh:
Remember that things will always get better, that no matter how heart broken and lost you may feel, there will always be someone there to lead you on, and remember that you are loved.
Don't get lost in the memories when you have a future to look towards. Don't let assholes who break your heart destroy you, pick yourself up and let your friends glue you back together. (Don't forget, all good lesbians come equipped with a bottle of Gorilla Glue, just in case)
Remember to laugh. Remember you are loved. Remember you are important. Remember you will find happiness, I know you will.
I love you sunshine.
If you're like me then you've been on the heart breaking end of the story more than once. Every time it falls apart it seems like it will be the last time. It seems like you can no longer rebound, no longer pull yourself together. If you're like me... then you've given up on love. Don't be like me.
Don't give up. Remind yourself every day of the things that make you laugh, of the moments that make you smile, of the friends who will do their damndest to make you laugh. Find joy in your memories, find happiness in the love of friends, find peace in knowing this is not the end.
There is always hope, there is always a tomorrow, there will always be another chance for love, don't give up.
Some things to make you laugh:
[03:01] <spuernam> you can be the keeper of my chicker[03:01] <Sarah> thanks :)[03:01] <Jess> lmao[03:01] <Sarah> ur chicker..?[03:01] <spuernam> *chicken[03:01] <spuernam> lol[03:01] <spuernam> that too[03:01] <Jess> here chicker chicker chicker[03:01] <Jess> here chicker chicker chicker
<spuernam> I can't help it. you have my chicken and sarah has my stick
[00:16] <partied_out_gia> WIDGET - noun - a penguin with the ability to maintain airbornity (it can fly. Duh.).
[21:00] <gia_pet> yeah...my head grows green things and i walk around singing gi-gi-gi-gia!!
[23:37] <Meegs> *plays with rubber duck*[23:37] <Sarah> lmao[23:37] <Nina> sex in the water, anyone?
[00:29] <gia_pet> looking at a girl and liking her hair is not the same as looking at a girl and wanting to tangle your hands in her hair
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!
A: The blonde works in the dark!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Remember that things will always get better, that no matter how heart broken and lost you may feel, there will always be someone there to lead you on, and remember that you are loved.
Don't get lost in the memories when you have a future to look towards. Don't let assholes who break your heart destroy you, pick yourself up and let your friends glue you back together. (Don't forget, all good lesbians come equipped with a bottle of Gorilla Glue, just in case)
Remember to laugh. Remember you are loved. Remember you are important. Remember you will find happiness, I know you will.
I love you sunshine.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
To the future...
This blog is to be read again on December 31st 2021.
Dear Me:
Yes, I realize this from the past. Think of yourself as a time traveler. though that's really not the important part. The important part is what I have to say after this.
I realize the past few months have been busy, I know, you just turned 35 which is scary. And your sister just celebrated her 10 year wedding anniversary. Remember the wedding? How your crazy uncle kept collecting empty beer bottles and putting them at your seat at the head table? By the end of the night it looked like you'd had 3 cases of beer just by yourself.
But really, let's not get too caught up in the memories, I want to remind you of a few things.
1. Remember why you're teaching. Remember how much you love it, how much you enjoy your time with the kids, remember your student teaching and how much the kids made you smile, even when you wanted to throttle them.
2. Remember why you wear fun socks everyday. Remember why there are Hot Wheels and Legos on your desk.
3. Remember what your family means to you. Remember your grandparents. Remember how much they have always loved you. Remember how much they have always been there for you.
4. Don't forget how terrifying it was to begin teaching on your own.
5. May 17th.
6. Don't forget the simple joys, the tweets from a friend, watching Monty Python and Mel Brooks, getting a new action figure.
7. Don't forget the friends that were always there for you.
8. Don't forget what it means to be a friend. Don't forget what it means to stand up for your friends and be there when they needed you.
9. Don't forget what your believe in, don't let others trod over your beliefs.
10. Remember who you are.
11. Remember the comfort of Jersey sheets.
12. Don't forget where your scars are from.
13. Don't forget to laugh. Remember the silly things, like the Exit sign over your closet door. The silly putty next to your bed. Angry Birds and Stair Dismount.
14.Don't get too caught up in new technology or technology in general that you forget the things that are important to you and the things that you love.
15. Don't forget the joys of curling up with a puppy.
- You
March 15, 2011
Dear Me:
Yes, I realize this from the past. Think of yourself as a time traveler. though that's really not the important part. The important part is what I have to say after this.
I realize the past few months have been busy, I know, you just turned 35 which is scary. And your sister just celebrated her 10 year wedding anniversary. Remember the wedding? How your crazy uncle kept collecting empty beer bottles and putting them at your seat at the head table? By the end of the night it looked like you'd had 3 cases of beer just by yourself.
But really, let's not get too caught up in the memories, I want to remind you of a few things.
1. Remember why you're teaching. Remember how much you love it, how much you enjoy your time with the kids, remember your student teaching and how much the kids made you smile, even when you wanted to throttle them.
2. Remember why you wear fun socks everyday. Remember why there are Hot Wheels and Legos on your desk.
3. Remember what your family means to you. Remember your grandparents. Remember how much they have always loved you. Remember how much they have always been there for you.
4. Don't forget how terrifying it was to begin teaching on your own.
5. May 17th.
6. Don't forget the simple joys, the tweets from a friend, watching Monty Python and Mel Brooks, getting a new action figure.
7. Don't forget the friends that were always there for you.
8. Don't forget what it means to be a friend. Don't forget what it means to stand up for your friends and be there when they needed you.
9. Don't forget what your believe in, don't let others trod over your beliefs.
10. Remember who you are.
11. Remember the comfort of Jersey sheets.
12. Don't forget where your scars are from.
13. Don't forget to laugh. Remember the silly things, like the Exit sign over your closet door. The silly putty next to your bed. Angry Birds and Stair Dismount.
14.Don't get too caught up in new technology or technology in general that you forget the things that are important to you and the things that you love.
15. Don't forget the joys of curling up with a puppy.
- You
March 15, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Time for another night of fun and games
Alright ladies, it's time once more for a night of fun and games. Unfortunately this post did not come as early as planned due to grading, cleaning and general internet sketchiness issues. So this weeks fun and games will be drawn out over the next few days.
Here's my plan...
1. go to pogo.com
2. add friend jokerpoetgirl801 (yeah, that's me)
3. Join me in a fun game
Because I'd rather just play with you ladies and other people who are out there reading this, I feel like I'll probably set a password to any games on there that I'm playing. Because I'm somewhat random, we'll just set the password as bananas ... don't ask me why.
If you have a request for a game to play just let me know. =D
I'm partial to games of Monopoly and Risk, as well as card games.
Beyond that, anyone interested in some March Madness betting? I never do well, but it'd be fun to try.
Oh yeah, any requests for next weeks fun and games?
Alright ladies, I know it's a short post tonight, but I'm hoping to get this up in time for some of us to get a game in tonight. It'd be fun, I promise!
I promise, longer post later this week and I've got a couple pretty good ideas in mind. I'm open to suggestions though.
- me
Here's my plan...
1. go to pogo.com
2. add friend jokerpoetgirl801 (yeah, that's me)
3. Join me in a fun game
Because I'd rather just play with you ladies and other people who are out there reading this, I feel like I'll probably set a password to any games on there that I'm playing. Because I'm somewhat random, we'll just set the password as bananas ... don't ask me why.
If you have a request for a game to play just let me know. =D
I'm partial to games of Monopoly and Risk, as well as card games.
Beyond that, anyone interested in some March Madness betting? I never do well, but it'd be fun to try.
Oh yeah, any requests for next weeks fun and games?
Alright ladies, I know it's a short post tonight, but I'm hoping to get this up in time for some of us to get a game in tonight. It'd be fun, I promise!
I promise, longer post later this week and I've got a couple pretty good ideas in mind. I'm open to suggestions though.
- me
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Just today
I'm not asking for forever
I'm just asking for now
Asking for today.
I'm asking for another rotation of the earth
Another setting of the sun
Another coming of the dawn.
Just another 24 hours.
I'm just asking for today.
And every today that follows.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Do Not Let Your Silence Become Your Consent
This evening lawmakers in Wisconsin have acted again the heart of democracy to push through a bill that removes the collective bargaining rights of state employees. Individuals who were protected by unions and have worked for the state for years now find themselves in a perilous position. Last week StateBill 5 passed through one house of the Ohio Legislature. SB5 will remove the collective bargaining rights of state employees. These employees include teachers, firefighters and police officers.
Some alterations have been made to protect firefighters and police officers, but still the attacks come for the teachers. Ladies and Gentlemen if you are currently reading this, remember who taught you to read, who taught you to think, to expand on your thoughts, who taught you how to write. And please, remember your teachers.
In 2008 68% of eligible voters voted in the Presidential elections.
My thoughts on this whole subject are so disjointed right now that it's hard to explain.
I am not currently a member of a Teacher's union, but I will be. Currently I am a member of a United Food and Commercial Worker's Union. My current union is unaffected by the changes but that does not mean they are silent. Calls are being made and we are being asked to make our voices heard. If politicians are attacking the public workers how long will it be before they choose to interfere with all unions, including those in the private sector.
My lovelies... we can not allow our voices to be silenced. We can not allow our silence to be consent. For too long too many of us have say by the wayside and made the assumption that those with more experience, with more power, more knowledge will make the decisions that are best for us. We have made the assumption that what is truly evil and wrong in society will not be allowed to pass. We have made the assumption that our government will protect us, will make the best decisions for our nation and for the citizens.
We have our voices, we must use them. We can not allow the citizens of this nation to be trampled, we can not allow our voices to be silenced, we can not stand idly by as our rights are ignored in favor of those with deep pockets.
Do not allow your silence to become your consent. Speak up, let your voice be heard, change the world.
Some alterations have been made to protect firefighters and police officers, but still the attacks come for the teachers. Ladies and Gentlemen if you are currently reading this, remember who taught you to read, who taught you to think, to expand on your thoughts, who taught you how to write. And please, remember your teachers.
First They came... - Pastor Martin NiemollerThe majority of American's support unions, public unions and the collective bargaining rights of those unions.
First they came for the communists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left to speak out for me.
In 2008 68% of eligible voters voted in the Presidential elections.
My thoughts on this whole subject are so disjointed right now that it's hard to explain.
I am not currently a member of a Teacher's union, but I will be. Currently I am a member of a United Food and Commercial Worker's Union. My current union is unaffected by the changes but that does not mean they are silent. Calls are being made and we are being asked to make our voices heard. If politicians are attacking the public workers how long will it be before they choose to interfere with all unions, including those in the private sector.
My lovelies... we can not allow our voices to be silenced. We can not allow our silence to be consent. For too long too many of us have say by the wayside and made the assumption that those with more experience, with more power, more knowledge will make the decisions that are best for us. We have made the assumption that what is truly evil and wrong in society will not be allowed to pass. We have made the assumption that our government will protect us, will make the best decisions for our nation and for the citizens.
We have our voices, we must use them. We can not allow the citizens of this nation to be trampled, we can not allow our voices to be silenced, we can not stand idly by as our rights are ignored in favor of those with deep pockets.
Do not allow your silence to become your consent. Speak up, let your voice be heard, change the world.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Damn Whiny Bitches
Okay, so I had given up on writing a blog tonight. Mostly because my words are getting all muddled and I can't even keep my thoughts straight. (straight...get it.... it was punny) Anyway, some people decided to whine about it, so let's see what I can come up with for tonight. This is probably going to be random as all hell, just a warning.
So, I'm apparently being especially gay tonight. Never mind the fact that my pajamas for tonight are boxers and a tank top. Never mind the fact that I just bought new rainbow earrings. Never mind the fact that I'm thinking about getting a gold star tattoo. Oh no, what makes me especially gay tonight is the fact that I had an incredible urge to watch Mamma Mia and I'm now propped up in my bed between two golden retrievers singing along to the DVD.
Side note, you guys are taking over my life. I picked up an app for my iphone so I can blog easier straight from my phone. And I'm already thinking ahead to what I can do for Sunday's lesbian fun and games night. (just for the record, an account with pogo.com might be useful.) Also, Sunday's blog is aiming to be posted by 6 pm EST, so that gives time for people to figure out if you're joining the fun or not. (I vote for joining the fun)
I have a goal of getting on a regular posting schedule.... but that's going to take some consideration and scheduling on my part to figure out. I think Sunday's are going to be kept for fun and games night. Just because it's fairly amusing for me. Although I'm still not sure how the mad-lib from last weeks worked out. So... if you guys did the mad-lib and came up with anything interesting feel free to share it.
I'm a nerd for mythology. I really am. I have like 15 books on the subject, just because I find it fascinating.
(I've started filling in this blog with just random information at this point, just to make a certain couple little whiny bitches happy by having posted something.)
My room currently smells like incense and I haven't burn any in months. Apparently the stuff I bought over the weekend is strong enough to make my room smell good without even lighting it.
As crazy as my kids make me, I wouldn't trade my job for anything in the world. Even if I am only student teaching right now. I love it, absolutely love it. One of my students asked me why I wanted to teach today, and I told her the truth, I love what I do, I love being in the classroom and working with my students. She gave me this look like I was insane, but it's so true, I can't even help it.
Because my kids drive me crazy I have to look forward to the little moments that make things worth it. I have 130 8th graders every day. And at this age they're just plain nuts. But I love it. I love the silly ridiculous things they do. I love it when one of my kids is being a goof and introduces himself to the paper he's writing. I love it when one of them makes a zombie joke on their quiz. I love it when they tie themselves together and then fall over. I love their silly goofy things. They drive me out of my mind sometimes, but I love my job.
Lately when I have problems sleeping I listen to audiobooks on my iphone. The problem with that is that I tend to get caught up in what I'm listening to, and then I can't fall asleep. So I figured out that I have to listen to something I can't understand. As a result, I've been listening to fairy tales... in Russian. Let's see if osmosis really works. I might even switch over to some text books later this week.
I was going to write another couple paragraphs of random information, but I really am falling asleep while typing this. While some of you might enjoy the potential typos, as an English teacher, I can not approve. So, we're leaving this here. I am going to bed. Thursday night should probably be my next blog post... and hopefully I'll figure out what I'm writing about further in advance this time, though I am open to suggestions.
Good night my lovelies.
So, I'm apparently being especially gay tonight. Never mind the fact that my pajamas for tonight are boxers and a tank top. Never mind the fact that I just bought new rainbow earrings. Never mind the fact that I'm thinking about getting a gold star tattoo. Oh no, what makes me especially gay tonight is the fact that I had an incredible urge to watch Mamma Mia and I'm now propped up in my bed between two golden retrievers singing along to the DVD.
Side note, you guys are taking over my life. I picked up an app for my iphone so I can blog easier straight from my phone. And I'm already thinking ahead to what I can do for Sunday's lesbian fun and games night. (just for the record, an account with pogo.com might be useful.) Also, Sunday's blog is aiming to be posted by 6 pm EST, so that gives time for people to figure out if you're joining the fun or not. (I vote for joining the fun)
I have a goal of getting on a regular posting schedule.... but that's going to take some consideration and scheduling on my part to figure out. I think Sunday's are going to be kept for fun and games night. Just because it's fairly amusing for me. Although I'm still not sure how the mad-lib from last weeks worked out. So... if you guys did the mad-lib and came up with anything interesting feel free to share it.
I'm a nerd for mythology. I really am. I have like 15 books on the subject, just because I find it fascinating.
(I've started filling in this blog with just random information at this point, just to make a certain couple little whiny bitches happy by having posted something.)
My room currently smells like incense and I haven't burn any in months. Apparently the stuff I bought over the weekend is strong enough to make my room smell good without even lighting it.
As crazy as my kids make me, I wouldn't trade my job for anything in the world. Even if I am only student teaching right now. I love it, absolutely love it. One of my students asked me why I wanted to teach today, and I told her the truth, I love what I do, I love being in the classroom and working with my students. She gave me this look like I was insane, but it's so true, I can't even help it.
Because my kids drive me crazy I have to look forward to the little moments that make things worth it. I have 130 8th graders every day. And at this age they're just plain nuts. But I love it. I love the silly ridiculous things they do. I love it when one of my kids is being a goof and introduces himself to the paper he's writing. I love it when one of them makes a zombie joke on their quiz. I love it when they tie themselves together and then fall over. I love their silly goofy things. They drive me out of my mind sometimes, but I love my job.
Lately when I have problems sleeping I listen to audiobooks on my iphone. The problem with that is that I tend to get caught up in what I'm listening to, and then I can't fall asleep. So I figured out that I have to listen to something I can't understand. As a result, I've been listening to fairy tales... in Russian. Let's see if osmosis really works. I might even switch over to some text books later this week.
I was going to write another couple paragraphs of random information, but I really am falling asleep while typing this. While some of you might enjoy the potential typos, as an English teacher, I can not approve. So, we're leaving this here. I am going to bed. Thursday night should probably be my next blog post... and hopefully I'll figure out what I'm writing about further in advance this time, though I am open to suggestions.
Good night my lovelies.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
A little bit of lesbian fun and games
Alright ladies,. I had one plan for my blog tonight, but as I'm sitting here watching Burlesque I decided it'd be more entertaining to dedicate tonight's blog to a little bit of fun and games. So let the fun and games begin.
Lesbian Mad-Lib
1. a greeting
2. an adjective
3. time/day/etc
4. adjective
5. activity
6. food
7. noun
8. place
9. activity
10. time span
11. noun
12. adjective
13. verb
14. noun
15. adjective
Well 1 there 2 lady. How are you this fine 3 . I think you are very 4 . Would you like to 5 with me? I've heard that you like 6 . Would you like to have 7 with me? Perhaps after we could go to 8 ? Maybe then we can 9 back at my place? You can stay for 10 . My place has a great 11 . I think we could get really 12 together. I'd like to 13 your 14 all night long. Are you 15 for this?
Lesbian Word Search
Lesbian Crossword
Lesbian Mad-Lib
1. a greeting
2. an adjective
3. time/day/etc
4. adjective
5. activity
6. food
7. noun
8. place
9. activity
10. time span
11. noun
12. adjective
13. verb
14. noun
15. adjective
Well 1 there 2 lady. How are you this fine 3 . I think you are very 4 . Would you like to 5 with me? I've heard that you like 6 . Would you like to have 7 with me? Perhaps after we could go to 8 ? Maybe then we can 9 back at my place? You can stay for 10 . My place has a great 11 . I think we could get really 12 together. I'd like to 13 your 14 all night long. Are you 15 for this?
Lesbian Word Search
S U C G H S Q T K V S X A D P E N Y H F J W Z B E H N O U S U Y E P E I M L L W A R A I G Q A A L T R M S U T O I U H J S Q A T L F I U T T C X F G X E H E Z L E R I H X P O W Y V L R D P Q G R Y L E S B I A N R R N A I B S E L N O M R O M U N I Q N N A I T R O P A D D B G J Z A E K Q J F N V I R E T T F R Z H L Q F O A J N O B N I K K I O F L R X Q W B W S Z E L Z E F L A E F G W O L S R F F G Y W M I E M P O W L H O Q E I Z F N M C B O V B Q P
AFTERELLEN BRITTANA BURLESQUE CHER DEBS DOROTHYSNARKER ELLEN GIA ISLES LESBIAN LWORD MORMONLESBIAN NIKKI NORA PORTIA RAINBOW RIZZOLI TWITTER
Lesbian Crossword
| 1 | 2 | 3 | |||||||||||||||||
| 4 | |||||||||||||||||||
| 5 | 6 | 7 | |||||||||||||||||
| 8 | |||||||||||||||||||
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| 10 | |||||||||||||||||||
| 11 | |||||||||||||||||||
| 12 | 13 | ||||||||||||||||||
| 14 | |||||||||||||||||||
| 15 | 16 | ||||||||||||||||||
| 17 | |||||||||||||||||||
| 18 |
| ACROSS2. Music duo featuring an L Word star 6. Lastest movie sensation loved by the lesbians. 9. commonly recognized as an ancient lesbian poet 10. Musical, featuring the song "If you were gay" 11. The go to website for all the lesbians. 14. Latest TV show. Loved by the lesbians. 15. Musical, featuring a cast full of gays and lesbians 16. awesome lesbian and creator if this funfest of games. (no #s) 17. Favorite lesbian on MSNBC 18. Lesbian Film. Student & Teacher. Spot the Lesbians  Lesbian Scavenger Hunt 1. a lesbian who writes a blog 2. a late blooming lesbian 3. a teaching lesbian 4. a lesbian author 5. a lesbian producer 6. a lesbian politician 7. a lesbian artist 8. a lesbian actress 9. a lesbian addicted to twitter 10. a mostly closeted lesbian 11. a catholic lesbian 12. a mormon lesbian (@mormonlesbian doesn't count) 13. a singing lesbian 14. a pregnant lesbian 15. a lesbian cop 16. a show about lesbians (other than the Lword) 17. a webseries about lesbians 18. a song about lesbians 19. a blog about lesbians 20. a webcomic about lesbians 21. a movie about lesbians 22. a picture of lesbians 23. lesbians for girls gone wild 24. an honorary lesbian 25. nerdy lesbian Lesbian Connect the Dots Pick up your pencil/pen between numbers 21 & 22, between numbers 40 & 41, 43 & 44, 50 & 51, 56 & 57, 65 & 66, 67 & 68, 72 & 73, and finally76 & 77. http://www.picturedots.com/view/printDots.php?dot_id=7604&type=pdf Okay ladies.... hopefully that's enough to entertain you for a while tonight.... if you enjoy the fun and games then I might have to make this a more regular occasion.... anyway, ENJOY!!!!! <3 | DOWN1. One of the top lesbian bloggers, know for her association with the Wizard 3. annual lesbian fest in Florida 4. film. includes ballet dancers and lesbian sex. 5. another lesbian blogger, known for being a perv. 7. Famous lesbian. known for her sarcasm and role on glee. 8. best place to find the lesbian hive mind 12. Character portrayed by Lucy Lawless, led to many lesbian realizations 13. a collection of colors with meaning to the Lesbians |
Thursday, March 3, 2011
It's the Little Things
Hello my lovelies...
Alright, I'm sure it's no real secret that I've been down this past week. I won't lie, I've been feeling lower than I have in years and frankly that never leads anyplace good. And for those of you who have noticed and done your best to pull me out my funk I appreciate it and I love you for it.
Thanks to my down mood lately I've decided I needed a bit of a pick me up, and I figured I would share it with all of you. So for tonight's blog.... it's the little things in life that make me happy, and I thought I'd share some of those with you.
1. Girl Scout Cookies.
2. New Video Games
3. Pictures of beautiful women
4. Pictures of semi-naked beautiful women
5. Women in general
6. The alot monster ( http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html )
7. My 6th and 7th period classes all having their homework today
8. The daily tweets from @emeraldfirefly. I know she's tweeting how awesome I am because she lost a bet, but honestly everytime I get one it totally makes my day that much better and I can't stop smiling for a while. I'm of the opinion that more of us should tweet our friends and tell them why they're awesome every day
9. My knives. (dear friends do not take this the wrong way) I have 10 or so pocket knives, most of which were gifts from my grandfather, two of which have extreme sentimental value to my family. One belonged to my great-grandfather and the matching one belonged to my great-grandmother. Both carried their knives with them all the time, the knives make me smile just because of their connection to me family.
11. Orange Pop.
12. Old Books (like 50+ years old)
13. PostSecret
14. My Darth Vader Lego Minifig Alarm Clock (trust me, it's awesome!)
15. Awesome socks. Honestly... I hate dressing up, so when I do, I always make my day a little more interesting but putting on some awesomely colorful and entertaining socks.
16.My Students
17. The smell of incense
18. Hitting someone in the back with a snowball
19. Waking up with a puppy curls up next to me
20. The Golden Girls
21. Fish. Like the kind you keep in a tank, not the kind you eat.
22. Trips to the zoo
23. Baking cookies with my favorite 4 year old
24. Poetry (which might be why I have 20+ books of poetry)
25. Comments on my blog
26. Comments on my fanfic
27. Getting new twitter followers who aren't bots
28. Beating someone at a game of Words with Friends
29. Gifts from friends
30. Decorating my room/home/classroom with pictures of my friends
31. Decorating my room/home/classroom with artwork and photography done by my friends (Seriously, when I get my own place I want to cover it with the work of my friends because they are generally awesome and talented people)
32. When any of my favorite webcomics get updated (You guys should check out Looking For Group, Girls with Slingshots, Questionable Content, Least I Could Do & Gutters. My 5 favorites)
33. New Action Figures
34. New Hot Wheels
35. Legos
36. Reading fairy tales to my little cousin
37. Sticking my head in at work and catching up on all the gossip I've missed
38. Hitting a bullseye on the dart board (without cheating)
39. A New bottle of Vanilla Vodka and a 12 pack of coke
40. Cooking, new recipes or some of my favorites, I love it either way
41. taking pictures of my Roaming Gnome in awkward positions/situations
42. My grandfathers engraved Cross pen and pencil set. He got them years ago when he retired from teaching... before I was born. And on a recent visit he gave them to me... I carry them with me every school and I use them frequently... they always remind me of him.
43. New razor blades
44. My pocket watch. Like a lot of things, this was something passed on to me by my grandfather. He gave it to me years ago, and most days it is now clipped onto my belt loop and carried with me during the school day.
45. My grandfather. This man has been the world to me since I was a little girl. He tells me stories about World War II because as much as he might have hated the experience, he knows that I love history. He passes on things that mean something to the family because he knows that they mean something to me and that I'll respect them.
46. My grandmother. She has always been a huge part of my life, just like my grandfather. The two of them make an absolutely adorable old couple and remind me every time I see them what love should be like. She has also become that adorable old woman that talks to everyone and is generally acknowledged as a crazy old lady.
47. TV on DVD! one of my biggest guilty pleasures, I love watching shows on DVD and I have a decent length of shows I have available at home.
48. Saturday morning cartoons.
49. Sleep.
50. My friends, those people who love me despite how much of an ass I might be, despite how messed up I might be, and despite how down I might be. My friends make every day worth getting up for. <3
Alright, that's my list of 50. And I'm sure the list will be continued at some point, but for now I'm leaving off there. What would you guys add? What's on your own list?
Love you guys, always.
- Me.
Alright, I'm sure it's no real secret that I've been down this past week. I won't lie, I've been feeling lower than I have in years and frankly that never leads anyplace good. And for those of you who have noticed and done your best to pull me out my funk I appreciate it and I love you for it.
Thanks to my down mood lately I've decided I needed a bit of a pick me up, and I figured I would share it with all of you. So for tonight's blog.... it's the little things in life that make me happy, and I thought I'd share some of those with you.
1. Girl Scout Cookies.
2. New Video Games
3. Pictures of beautiful women
4. Pictures of semi-naked beautiful women
5. Women in general
6. The alot monster ( http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html )
7. My 6th and 7th period classes all having their homework today
8. The daily tweets from @emeraldfirefly. I know she's tweeting how awesome I am because she lost a bet, but honestly everytime I get one it totally makes my day that much better and I can't stop smiling for a while. I'm of the opinion that more of us should tweet our friends and tell them why they're awesome every day
9. My knives. (dear friends do not take this the wrong way) I have 10 or so pocket knives, most of which were gifts from my grandfather, two of which have extreme sentimental value to my family. One belonged to my great-grandfather and the matching one belonged to my great-grandmother. Both carried their knives with them all the time, the knives make me smile just because of their connection to me family.
11. Orange Pop.
12. Old Books (like 50+ years old)
13. PostSecret
14. My Darth Vader Lego Minifig Alarm Clock (trust me, it's awesome!)
15. Awesome socks. Honestly... I hate dressing up, so when I do, I always make my day a little more interesting but putting on some awesomely colorful and entertaining socks.
16.My Students
17. The smell of incense
18. Hitting someone in the back with a snowball
19. Waking up with a puppy curls up next to me
20. The Golden Girls
21. Fish. Like the kind you keep in a tank, not the kind you eat.
22. Trips to the zoo
23. Baking cookies with my favorite 4 year old
24. Poetry (which might be why I have 20+ books of poetry)
25. Comments on my blog
26. Comments on my fanfic
27. Getting new twitter followers who aren't bots
28. Beating someone at a game of Words with Friends
29. Gifts from friends
30. Decorating my room/home/classroom with pictures of my friends
31. Decorating my room/home/classroom with artwork and photography done by my friends (Seriously, when I get my own place I want to cover it with the work of my friends because they are generally awesome and talented people)
32. When any of my favorite webcomics get updated (You guys should check out Looking For Group, Girls with Slingshots, Questionable Content, Least I Could Do & Gutters. My 5 favorites)
33. New Action Figures
34. New Hot Wheels
35. Legos
36. Reading fairy tales to my little cousin
37. Sticking my head in at work and catching up on all the gossip I've missed
38. Hitting a bullseye on the dart board (without cheating)
39. A New bottle of Vanilla Vodka and a 12 pack of coke
40. Cooking, new recipes or some of my favorites, I love it either way
41. taking pictures of my Roaming Gnome in awkward positions/situations
42. My grandfathers engraved Cross pen and pencil set. He got them years ago when he retired from teaching... before I was born. And on a recent visit he gave them to me... I carry them with me every school and I use them frequently... they always remind me of him.
43. New razor blades
44. My pocket watch. Like a lot of things, this was something passed on to me by my grandfather. He gave it to me years ago, and most days it is now clipped onto my belt loop and carried with me during the school day.
45. My grandfather. This man has been the world to me since I was a little girl. He tells me stories about World War II because as much as he might have hated the experience, he knows that I love history. He passes on things that mean something to the family because he knows that they mean something to me and that I'll respect them.
46. My grandmother. She has always been a huge part of my life, just like my grandfather. The two of them make an absolutely adorable old couple and remind me every time I see them what love should be like. She has also become that adorable old woman that talks to everyone and is generally acknowledged as a crazy old lady.
47. TV on DVD! one of my biggest guilty pleasures, I love watching shows on DVD and I have a decent length of shows I have available at home.
48. Saturday morning cartoons.
49. Sleep.
50. My friends, those people who love me despite how much of an ass I might be, despite how messed up I might be, and despite how down I might be. My friends make every day worth getting up for. <3
Alright, that's my list of 50. And I'm sure the list will be continued at some point, but for now I'm leaving off there. What would you guys add? What's on your own list?
Love you guys, always.
- Me.
Monday, February 28, 2011
a bunch of quotes, with a present at the end
It's hard enough to be taken seriously in the struggle for gay rights without having a bunch of straight girls running around kissing each other to get the attention of boys and videocameras. ~M. Robin D'Antan, 2002
Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. "I had a great time with... them." Great! Now they don't think you're queer - just a big slut! ~Judy Carter
I can't help looking gay. I put on a dress and people say, "Who's the dyke in the dress?" ~Karen Ripley
The next time someone asks you, "Hey, howdja get to be a homosexual anyway?" tell them, "Homosexuals are chosen first on talent, then interview... then the swimsuit and evening gown competition pretty much gets rid of the rest of them." ~Karen Williams
My mom blames California for me being a lesbian. "Everything was fine until you moved out there." "That's right, Mom, we have mandatory lesbianism in West Hollywood. The Gay Patrol busted me, and I was given seven business days to add a significant amount of flannel to my wardrobe. ~Coley Sohn
The diagnosis of homosexuality as a "disorder" is a contributing factor to the pathology of those homosexuals who do become mentally ill.... Nothing is more likely to make you sick than being constantly told that you are sick. ~Ronald Gold
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli
If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise. ~Johann von Goethe
You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry. ~Author Unknown
I've fallen in love many times... always with you. ~Author Unknown
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad. ~Arnold H. Glasgow
You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. ~Laurence J. Peter
Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait for the answer. ~Author Unknown
It is the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter. ~Marlene Dietrich (how many of us have that friend we can call up at 4 a.m.?)
Friends can be said to "fall in like" with as profound a thud as romantic partners fall in love. ~Letty Cottin Pogrebin
If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me. ~Author Unknown
I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar. ~Robert Brault
HERE'S THE PRESENT!!!!!!!!!!
Rizzoli & Isles Bingo Card #1. Created by Ebenn27
Maura uses Hand Sanitizer | Jane and Maura do something date-like | Awkward Date moment | Angela calls Jane | Jane convinces Maura to try something |
Maura uses really big words | Jane draws her gun | Maura talks to Bass | Someone Dies | Maura identifies a Redish Brown Stain |
Someone goes to the Dirty Robber | Maura goes shoe shopping (online or otherwise) | Free Space Subtext Square | Using the Dead Person Fridge | Alcohol is consumed |
Maura convinces Jane to try something | Jane asks Maura to explain something | Someone Pesters Jane about her Love Life | Jane pulls rank on Frankie | Maura and Jane have a sleepover |
Korsak makes fun of Frost | Jane wears a dress | Maura doesn’t understand something | Jane uses her cuffs | Jane drinks Coffee |
Okay guys, that's what I've got so far, tell me which squares you think need replaced, which ones work really well, which ones are iffy. If you have more ideas for squares then I'll be able to make a larger variety of bingo cards, so more people can play. Just give me ideas!
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